Unconditional Parenting (book)

✒️ Note-Making

🔗Connect

⬆️Topic:: Parenting (MOC)

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Parenting can't be transactional - When we condition our love based on their behavior, we turn the relationship into a transactional one. Only if they "help" you, you will "help" them. This is a source of abandonment and insecurity issues.
2. Rewards and punishments are harmful - They are counterproductive in the long run. It fixates them on the reward instead of the behavior or the motives behind it, while the "effectiveness" of the punishment decreases over time and creates reactances.
3. It's not just what you do, it's how you're perceived - While we think our love is unconditional, we need to examine the way we interact with them, and how it's perceived. If we are more excited when they succeed, it is a sign of conditional love.
4. Involve them in the decision making - Don't make decisions for them, let them practice it in order to improve. Allow them to make meaningful choices, and consult them when possible. Only prevent them on special situations, and explain your reasoning.
5. Maintain a calm and compassionate perspective - How we react in the moment determines our parenting style. We need to be guided by respect, authenticity and curiosity. To be mindful of our choices, to seek to empower them yet accept and be patient with them when they "misbehave"
6. Be a role model - Actions speak louder than words. We need to model the behavior we want them to embrace, such as doing acts of kindness to improve their emphatic tendencies.

🗒️Relate

⛓ by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book?

1. You will have a more calm life as a parent
2. Your parenting still would support instead of harm your child's growth

🔍Critique

✅ relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument

1. Conditional vs unconditional parenting - conditional means that our love and affection depends on the child's actions, specifically bad behavior and/or achievements. Unconditional means that we love them the same amount no matter what.
2. Doing to vs working with - Empowering parenting style is when we let the child in on the decision making process (aka "working with") instead of dictating instructions (aka "doing to")

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... Something about his writing makes it hard for me to connect with it. It seems longer than it is, scattered, unappealing. Even though the content is good.

You can tell that this book was amongst the first that talked about validating parenting, which means it content sounds obvious and basic if you read other more recent books.

The last few chapters are repetitive and feels "pasted" compare to the rest of the book.

🖼️Outline

Unconditional Parenting (book)

📒 Notes

Introduction

Parenting is challenging, creating a tension between our long-term goals for our children - developing their independence, creative thinking, and potential - and the daily routine of bedtime, homework, and chores.

It's no surprise that our default strategy is to have obedient children, equating a "good child" with a "submissive" one. Through punishments or rewards, we often promote compliance rather than nurturing well-rounded individuals.

We need to change our perception for the betterment of their future.

INTRODUCTION

• Ensuring that children internalize our values isn’t the same thing as helping them to develop their own.7 And it’s diametrically opposed to the goal of having kids become independent thinkers. (Location 145) [!Quote]- CONDITIONAL PARENTING
• Children need to be loved as they are, and for who they are. When that happens, they can accept themselves as fundamentally good people, even when they screw up or fall short. And with this basic need met, they’re also freer to accept (and help) other people. Unconditional love, in short, is what children require in order to flourish. (Location 204)
• Unconditional parenting isn’t a fancy term for letting kids do whatever they want. It’s very important (once the storm has passed) to teach, to reflect together—which (Location 230)
• Unconditional parenting assumes that behaviors are just the outward expression of feelings and thoughts, needs and intentions. In a nutshell, it’s the child who engages in a behavior, not just the behavior itself, that matters. (Location 264)
• They have the capacity to be compassionate or aggressive, altruistic or selfish, cooperative or competitive. A great deal depends on how they’re raised—including, among other things, whether they feel loved unconditionally. (Location 296)
• love from one’s parents does not have to be paid for in any sense. It is purely and simply a gift. It is something to which all children are entitled. (Location 329)
• How we feel about our kids isn’t as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them. (Location 365)
• what we think we’re doing (or would swear we’re not doing) doesn’t matter as much, in terms of the impact on our kids, as their experience of what we’re doing. (Location 383)
• When children receive affection with strings attached, they tend to accept themselves only with strings attached. (Location 410)

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Conditional Parenting

Not all types of love are equal. There's:

1. Conditional love - depends on actions
2. Unconditional love - depends on identity

Loving your child unconditionally gives them the assurance that you are their Safe Base, confident and calm that your love is constant, without needing to earn it or fear its loss.

In contrast, conditional parenting has a transactional viewpoint. It focuses solely on behavior, particularly Incentives, assuming that nothing but Utility motivates children. It presumes children will exploit us if unchecked, necessitating rewards and punishments to keep them on track.

Viewing parenting as a "tit for tat" relationship, where love is given only if deserved, is a sad approach. Love is a gift that should be freely given, never withheld.

Unconditional parenting, on the other hand, treats the child holistically. Their circumstances are crucial in determining our response. It assumes children are capable of both good and bad, and it's our role to guide them toward positive tendencies. People are inherently good.

When children are loved based on behavior, they experience intrapersonal conflict. They may come to dislike parts of themselves their parents don't appreciate self worth.

This approach can perpetuate a Vicious cycle through generations.

Whether conditional parenting exists in your home depends more on how your kids experience your parenting than on what you believe you're projecting Subjective Reality.

Giving and Withholding Love

A common practice among parents is "time out," a method borrowed from animal handling. However, when we send kids to time out, we address their behavior, not them as individuals, and we also withhold our love and presence.

This instills a fear of abandonment. They grow up needing constant approval, becoming highly dependent.

Similarly, positive reinforcement like rewards is problematic. It turns us into Econs, teaching us to view the world through "what do I get out of it." As with External Motivation, it crowds out Intrinsic Motivation, leaving no motivation to continue good behavior once rewards cease.

Even verbal reinforcement like "good job" is a type of reward Praises. When we praise them for actions, they tie their worth to those actions, assuming they are not worthy without them.

When self-esteem depends on success, it fluctuates with life's events, harming development. Self-esteem should be stable across good and bad times to help bounce back from failure.

GIVING AND WITHHOLDING LOVE

• When you send a child away, what’s really being switched off or withdrawn is your presence, your attention, your love. (Location 468)
• love withdrawal “may be more devastating emotionally than power assertion because it poses the ultimate threat of abandonment or separation.” (Location 502)
• The more that people are rewarded for doing something, the more likely they are to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. (Location 572)
• The real problem may not be self-esteem that’s too low (“I don’t feel very good about myself”), but self-esteem that’s too contingent (“I feel good about myself only when (Location 739)

Too Much Control

Sometimes we control kids for control's sake, driven by Ego, rather than to help or protect them.

Over-controlling creates either helpless and submissive children or rebellious ones who lash out. They become disengaged from the world, less interested in self-expression or independence.

TOO MUCH CONTROL

• On balance, the kids who do what they’re told are likely to be those whose parents don’t rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them. They have parents who treat them with respect, minimize the use of control, and make a point of offering reasons and explanations for what they ask. (Location 857)
• The goal is empowerment rather than conformity, and the methods are respectful rather than coercive. (Location 1030)

Punitive Damages

Punishments are generally ineffective in parenting. Even non-physical punishments that cause discomfort or mental pain are counterproductive.

They create backlash rather than educate, making children see you as an enemy. Over time, they grow indifferent to punishments Diminishing Returns, resorting to lying, hiding, and cheating.

Threats or "logical consequences," like letting a child freeze for refusing a coat, are still punishments that should be minimized.

PUNITIVE DAMAGES

• corporal punishment makes children more aggressive and leads to a variety of other damaging consequences. (Location 1052)
• The more you rely on punishment, therefore, “the less real influence you’ll have on their lives.” (Location 1126)

Pushed to Succeed

Parents often push children to succeed, adding Stress that harms mental health, performance, and love of learning.

Children internalize parental Expectations, obsessing over achievements at the expense of others. Achievements often become a Zero sum game. They may self-sabotage if they doubt success, preferring doubt over facing inadequacy.

Fear of failure motivates staying in comfort zones more than the desire to achieve Fixed Mindset. Knowing they are loved even if they fail gives them confidence to take risks and persist until success Growth Mindset.

Competition is a net negative aspect of success.

PUSHED TO SUCCEED

• optimal performance at most tasks not only doesn’t require people to try to beat one another—it requires that they be freed from such an arrangement. There is no trade-off. Cooperation makes more sense than competition if we care mostly about bottom-line results, (Location 1445)
• Being accepted without conditions helps them to develop a healthy confidence in themselves, a sense that it’s safe to take risks and try new things. From deep contentment comes the courage to achieve. (Location 1488)

What Holds Us Back

Our tendency for controlling parenting stems from:

1. How we were parented - we mimic harmful methods
2. Older generations and outdated "tough" culture - we receive advice on "raising kids tight" Social Environment
3. Control feels right - we think if we're not controlling, we're permissive, leading to lazy, entitled children
4. Fear of judgment, incompetence, or powerlessness - control gives an illusion of confidence and power, combating fears of being a bad parent. We fear they won't grow strong or fast without our "help."

WHAT HOLDS US BACK?

• Is it possible that what I just did with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what’s really in their best interests? (Location 1874)

Principles of Unconditional Parenting

There's no one-size-fits-all solution, but common practices include:

1. Be reflective - Consider past interactions and improvements
2. Reconsider your requests - Assess if you're asking too much or at the wrong time
3. Focus on long-term goals - Does your approach support their growth?
4. Prioritize the relationship - A strong relationship is foundational, more important than "being right"
5. Change perception, not just actions
6. Respect - Treat them with the same respect as a partner
7. Be authentic - Admit mistakes, be a role model
8. Talk less, ask more - Engage their thinking, foster cooperation
9. Consider their age - Don't assume equal maturity
10. Be positive - Attribute the best motives consistent with facts
11. Use "no" sparingly - Make "yes" the default, reserve "no" for necessity parental rules
12. Be flexible - Make exceptions when needed
13. Don't rush - Adjust schedules to avoid rushing children

PRINCIPLES OF UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING

• most of us would benefit by spending more time reviewing what we’ve done with our children in order to be better parents tomorrow than we are today. (Location 1932)
• We can help kids to develop good values by treating them as though they were already motivated by those values. They thereby come to believe what’s best about themselves and live up to our trust in them. (Location 2103)
• Just because a child’s action may have a negative effect on you doesn’t mean that was the child’s intention. (Location 2111)
• People don’t get better at coping with unhappiness because they were deliberately made unhappy when they were young. (Location 2165)

Love Without Strings Attached

Better parenting begins by considering how we'd react if others spoke to us as we do to our children.

What we say and how we say it matters. Limit criticism, both in quantity and intensity, and seek alternatives like asking questions.

As parents, we are expected to have Patience. Even when children are upset or misbehave, we must consistently show unconditional love, maintaining composure when they cannot.

Similarly, replace evaluative praise with questions like "What do you think about it?" or "How do you think it makes them feel?" or simply describe their actions, like "You put the ball in the cup!" If it sounds like a verbal reward, they may become dependent on it.

LOVE WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACHED

• our job is to remain calm, to avoid acting the same way, and to understand this for what it is—a passing expression of frustration. (Location 2324)
• by misbehaving, children may be testing something else entirely—namely, the unconditionality of our love. Perhaps they’re acting in unacceptable ways to see if we’ll stop accepting them. Our response has to be a stubborn refusal to take the bait. We must reassure them: “No matter what you do, no matter how frustrated I get, I will never, never, never stop loving you.” (Location 2346)
• Unconditional parents want to know how to do something other than threaten and punish. They don’t see their relationship with their children as adversarial, so their goal is to avoid battles, not win them. (Location 2394)
• This is exactly the sort of elaboration and reflection that are stifled when we slather our kids with praise. They tend to stop thinking and talking about what they’ve done as soon as we pass judgment on it. (Location 2495)
• CHOICES FOR CHILDREN (Location 2656)
• our default position ought to be to let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right. (Location 2667)
• helping children to feel empowered makes sense at all ages, at home and at school, and with regard to both immediate outcomes and long-term goals. (Location 2691)
• The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions. (Location 2694)
• Kids really respond when they’re treated with respect, involved in problem solving, and assumed to be well intentioned. (Location 2772)
• “Because I said so” is not a reason at all; (Location 2906)
• This is not about what people think of you; it’s about what your child needs. (Location 2951)

Choices for Children

Children should be part of decision-making unless there's a good reason not to supporting independence.

They learn to make good decisions through practice Learning by doing. Support them without doing things for them.

They cooperate more when they feel included, rather than resisting decisions made for them. Replace a doing to mindset with working with. People are not the problem

Consistently offering real choices (not just "now or in five minutes?") reduces pushback when choices aren't possible, like wearing a seatbelt, especially if we're honest about the situation and explain our reasons.

The Child's Perspective

Developing a morally conscious child requires action, not just words To be moral is to act moral.

Be a role model for moral behavior and give them opportunities to practice. For example, pick up litter together.

Explain why we do these things, avoiding self-interest arguments like the Golden rule, such as "If you share your toy, she might share hers." This promotes Empathy.

Instead, develop perspective taking, like "If you share your toy, she'll be happy." Show how behavior affects others. Help them understand social cues, like "They look angry, maybe they had a bad day." Analyzing TV and movie characters is also useful Mindsight.

Similarly, learn to take their perspective. It's not easy being a kid, especially when the parent's viewpoint is the default at home.

THE CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE

• Sure, it’s hard to be a parent. But it can be a lot harder to be a kid. (Location 3257)

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