The Yes Brain (book)

✒️ Note-Making

🔗Connect

🔼Topic:: developing capabilities

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Yes brain = positive capable person - A yes brain is having a proactive (rather than reactive) approach to life. It is to say yes to experiences, to strong feelings, to failures, and have the strength to rise above difficulties and use them as a way to grow. This is not by chance also the way to achieve happiness.
2. It's all about integration - competence and happiness stem from being able to integrate between the emotional and rational part of the brain. Practicing integration is a self reinforcing process. It requires (and creates) balance, resilience, insights and empathy.
3. Balance - maximize time in the green zone - balance means to prevent ourselves from lashing out or shutting in. It starts with a strong supportive relationship with our kids. To be both connected, accepting and caring on the one hand, yet not controlling or over protecting on the other hand. To be with them in the moment, accepting, embracing, yet not trying to "save" them from the situation.
4. Resilience - How to expand and bounce back to the green zone - Letting our kids know that we will always be there for their if needed, yet have the strength to push them towards trying new things and failing them is essential to give them the courage to try, fail, and get back on their feet
5. Insights - to listen to yourself and pause - in order to stop an emotional moment from overwhelming us, we need to learn to pause and recognize our power to choose how to react. We must switch from the "player" to the "spectator", slowing down, zooming out, gaining some perspective, and being able to reframe the situation, remembering that each choice we make has consequences, one can't have it all.
6. Empathy - understand others to understand yourself - the more we divert the attention to others' emotional state, and approach it with curiosity, the better we will be at not only understanding others, but also share their pain, and care about their happiness. By understanding other's emotions, we will also be better at understanding our owns.
7. Gaslighting, ignoring, lecturing or controlling - the 4 horseman of parent apocalypse - The most harmful approaches to our kids emotional crisis are these. Gaslighting - to tell them "oh it's not so bad" or "you're a big boy you shouldn't be afraid of it". Ignoring - to ignore their crisis which teaches them that we simply don't care, and that they can't rely on us. Lecturing - treating them as the problem, and be angry at them for acting that way. Controlling - doing things for them or telling them what to do, an act of distrust.

🗒️Relate

⛓ by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book?

1. Happier more resilient kids

🔍Critique

✅ relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument

1. Brain integration - happiness and competence is when we integrate between the different sides of the mind, the rational and the emotional.
2. Linkage and differentiation - linkage is to care about your kid, to be connected to them. Differentiation is to understand that you are not the same, you don't share the same values or thoughts, they are not yours to micro manage, they are their own persons with their life to lead, and they need this freedom.
3. Healthy mind platter - what every child needs to develop their mind, such as time with others, time for oneself, to get into the zone, to daydream, to rest.
4. Red/Blue/Green zones - red is when we lash out in a tantrum, blue is when we shut ourselves from the world, and green is the area in between, when we are able to process, accept and act despite our emotions.
5. Upstairs and downstairs brain - upstairs is our complex brain, the side which can think creatively, makes thoughtful decisions, who cares about values. Downstairs is our primal side, our deep emotions, our instincts.
6. Pushing and cushioning - pushing is to push out kids towards experimentation, to try and grow and overcome obstacles. Cushioning is to support them such that the challenges won't be too hard to swallow and cause them to break down. A delicate balance.
7. The player and the spectator - we sometimes need to switch between feeling as the player, the one who acts, and the spectator, the one with enough distance to see the situation clearly

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... I love their way of writing, and the comic strips that demonstrates the main arguments in a simple visual frame. The writing is clear, thoughtful and interesting.

However it is felt that this book is thin, both in length and in variety of content, especially considering the previous books.

🖼️Outline

📒 Notes

The Yes Brain: Introduction

The brain has two main modes, the "Yes" and the "No".

1. The NO state - this state is a reactive one, one that stems from the Amygdala and focuses on reducing threats. It limits our view and our ability to think creatively, think more critically and abstractly, thinking about values or other people. People with a "no" brain are victims to their circumstances and emotions emotional hijacking. It leads to stubbornness, anxiety and competitiveness stress Zero sum
2. The YES state - This state combines the prefrontal cortex with the rest of the brain, it allows for open thinking, empathy, emotional resilience, authenticity and cooperation. They see challenges as something they can overcome and learn from Obstacles as stepping stones

The importance of developing a "yes" brain is twofold:

1. Perpetuating state - how we think about the world is a self renforcing loop. The more we practice a "yes" brain, the easier it will become, and vice versa for thinking like a "no" brain. It's all due to the brain's neuroplasticity, what we do, experience and pay attention to shapes who we are.
2. Integration - the yes brain promotes integration between the different parts of the human brain, which research shows it's the best way to connect one to himself harmonious self, bringing Self-awareness, understanding of who we are, but also connect us to others and help form relationships and find meaning and happiness in our lives.

This doesn't mean that a yes brain is about permissiveness or being always happy, on the contrary, it's about embracing difficulties and pain as part of our process of growth growth mindset.

The development of a yes brain takes time, remember that a fully developed "upstairs brain" happens only at 25, but to make our child more capable, balanced, and happy we need to work on developing these parts of the brain, through:

1. Balance
2. Resilience
3. Empathy
4. Insights

One of the best ways is to do so yourself, be role models for your kid.

The yes brain: Introduction

• No Brain leaves you feeling reactive when you interact with people, which makes it nearly impossible to listen, make good decisions, or connect with and care for another person. (Location 76)
• This Yes Brain mindset is what we want for our kids, so that they learn to view obstacles and new experiences not as paralyzing impediments but simply as challenges to be faced and overcome and learned (Location 87)
• Yes Brain: a neurological state that helps children (and adults) approach the world with openness, resilience, empathy, and authenticity. (Location 109)
• Attacking and rejecting are two ways the No Brain deals with the world. The No Brain’s outlook on the world is one of stubbornness, anxiety, competition, and threat, leaving it much less capable of handling difficult situations or achieving a clear understanding of self or others. (Location 115)
• Kids who approach the world from a No Brain state are at the mercy of their circumstances and their feelings. They get stuck in their emotions, unable to shift them, and they complain about their realities rather than finding healthy ways to respond to them. (Location 117)
• it’s about helping kids begin to realize who they are and who they are becoming, and that they can overcome disappointment and defeat and choose a life full of connection and meaning. (Location 143)
• Just as your kids don’t have to be perfect, neither do you. Cut yourself some slack. Be as emotionally present for your kids as you possibly can, then allow development to happen, supporting them along the (Location 182)
• Where attention goes, neurons fire. And where neurons fire, they wire, or join together. (Location 257)
• what you do and don’t value, and what you do and don’t give attention to, will impact who your child becomes. (Location 282)
• each child’s brain is also plastic and able to grow and develop based on the integrating experiences the child undergoes. (Location 353)

The Balanced Yes Brain

Balance is knowing how to regulate your emotions, to be able to stay in control when emotions are high, to recognize our Freedom of response. It's very hard for adults, let alone kids to do so, so when they are having a crisis it's mostly because they can't control their emotions, not that they choose not to. In these moments they need support, a calming presence, not a lecture. Moments of crisis can be either a tantrum (aka "red zone") or shutting down (aka "blue zone"), balance is achieving when they are able to withstand their emotions, which is not the same as not experiencing them at all (aka "green zone")

Our goal as parents is to make their green zone wider, and help them get back to the green zone in moments of crisis. Both of which are done through a stable, strong, supportive relationship. It's not our job to rescue them Dont Jump to the Rescue, but we should validation their feelings, to really hear them out and share their pain, even if we don't change or mind or so something to solve their crisis.

If we lecture, blame or gaslight them, this will only either worsen the study's crisis, or they will learn to hide their true feelings from us. If we instead bubble wrap them and protect them from the world, we are robing their ability to grow, and project as if we don't believe in them.

The goal therefore is to be both linked (to care, show love, acceptance and support) and to differentiate (to not impose our worldview on them, not to take control over their lives and allow them to feel and do things their way)

Part of that balance is also balancing their time. Parents tend to over schedule their kid's time and leave no room for Play and letting them choose what to do Empty Space. Even boredom is something that might be useful because it will push them towards creative pursuits and being active in their lives. Play is essential because it helps them develop many social, cognitive and physical skills

To make sure we are not over scheduling them, see if they have enough time in the day for;

1. Focus time - to get into flow while doing something
2. Play time - to explore new experiences, to be spontaneous and creative
3. Connecting time - time with other people
4. Physical time - to move around
5. Time in - time for self reflection
6. Down time - relaxing, letting our mind recharge
7. Sleep

Other than sleep, there's no recommended time per activity, just make sure all are included throughout the day.

the balanced yes brain

• the other three fundamentals—resilience, insight, and empathy—all depend on a child’s being able to exhibit a certain amount of emotional balance and control. (Location 429)
• That’s really what a balanced brain means: the ability to achieve emotional stability and regulate the body and brain. (Location 461)
• the key to helping your kids when they’re out of control is to provide this loving, soothing presence. (Location 482)
• we have two main jobs: to help them get back into the green zone when they become upset, and to help them expand their green zone over time. (Location 565)
• The foundation for helping your children be more balanced (and resilient and kind and ethical) is your connection with them. It all, and always, begins with relationship. (Location 628)
• Integration has the essential feature of retaining the differences and establishing connections that don’t obliterate those differences. (Location 635)
• when we blame or deliver a bootstrap lecture; when we remove ourselves or shut them down and embarrass them for their feelings—when we respond to their emotions with any of these responses, we effectively punish them for feeling healthy, human sentiments and for expressing what’s going on inside. (Location 702)
• it’s impossible to “spoil” your kids by giving them too much love or attention. (Location 727)
• When we bubble-wrap our children and protect them from any discomfort, distress, or potential challenge, we actually make them more fragile, leaving them less capable of achieving balance on their own. (Location 743)
• children develop emotional regulation skills through friendships, spontaneous play, and free time, where they are afforded the opportunity to be curious and imaginative. (Location 767)
• Allow them time to explore and discover, and to develop important emotional, social, and intellectual skills through play and trial and error. When every second is scheduled, a child misses out on these opportunities. (Location 789)

The Resilient Yes Brain

While balance is all about staying in the green zone without crossing into the blue or red zone, the resilient piece is all about expanding the green zone such that it will be harder to escape it, and increase grit such that it will be easier to bounce back in.

Developing grit is all about acknowledging that life will be difficult, they will face challenges, but we believe in them, we love them, and we know that they can get over the frustration, failure and anxiety that comes with those difficulties, coming out stronger and wiser. We have to let them fail, and come up with solutions on their own.

It starts with us acknowledging that a "problematic behavior" doesn't mean that our child "is problematic", but rather as a sign of communication that they are experiencing a problem, a certain skill that they haven't developed yet. The worse thing we can do is to gaslight them, to say "there's nothing to worry about", or "don't be scared" or "you're already a big boy now, and big boy's don't do x". Instead say things like "I know this can be scary, and I see how much you make an effort. I'm right here with you."

The key is to find the balance between pushing - to let them experience challenges and failure, and cushioning - to not let them crash facing challenges too big, and be there for them when they need support. Just one or the other isn't enough.

When we have a strong connection with our child, we help them grow by:

1. Safe base - when they know we are there to support them whenever they wish to, that they always have a safe base to lean on, it gives them the strength and freedom to explore without stress Safe Base
2. Familiarity - a strong connection leads to a deeper understanding, we know them better, so we can detect more subtle cues and respond accordingly

the resilient yes brain

• behavior is communication. And problematic behavior is actually a message, where our kids are saying, “I need help building skills in this certain area. I can’t do this well yet.” (Location 1048)
• Part of widening the window of tolerance is allowing kids to face adversity, to feel disappointment and other negative emotions, and even to fail. That’s how they develop grit and perseverance. (Location 1120)
• That’s how we expand their green zone: by lovingly teaching them that they can live with and then move through frustration and failure, coming out stronger and wiser on the other side. (Location 1127)
• we have to allow our kids to hurt, and even fail, without rescuing them and depriving them of those valuable, resilience-building lessons. (Location 1136)
• That strong attachment relationship creates a safe base from which they can venture into the unknown, knowing that if things get too hard, they can always return and you will be there for them. (Location 1238)

The Insightful Yes Brain

Insights is all about gaining self awareness through introspection, which will allow to put a wedge between your emotional state and the decisions you make afterwards. This pause is essential, without it we would be slave to our tantrums.

This pause gives us the ability to switch from being the "player" (the one who experiences the situation) to the "spectator", a person with some cognitive distancing that can provide consul on how we should act, like a mentor.

We can generate this pause either by reframe the pain. To saw that not only that struggle is often unavoidable, and that it helps us grow, but that we can also choose our pain. For example, we can either stay afraid of going to summer camp, thus losing friends and exciting events, or we can face the fear head on, and let it be our struggle.

We can also try to help them understand the metaphor of the red volcano. If we manage to stop ourselves before we erupt, and understand what triggers that then we are able to pause and stay in the green zone.

the insightful yes brain

• With insight we don’t have to remain helpless in the face of our feelings and circumstances. We can look at what’s going on within our internal landscape and then make conscious, intentional decisions, rather than blindly following destructive, unconscious impulses. (Location 1444)
• The key to insight, for adults and kids alike, is learning to pause for just a moment in the middle of a heated situation, when you take the position of the spectator. That’s where the power lies: in the pause. (Location 1494)
• Without the pause, and the insight that follows, there isn’t a choice—it’s all reaction. (Location 1519)
• Supporting our kids is not about giving the old “Life’s not fair” lecture or preaching about the value of hard work and delaying gratification. We can teach our kids that life is about the journey of effort and discovery, not about being able to have the destination of success at our fingertips with ease. (Location 1595)
• if we make sense of our lives, we free ourselves from the prison of the past and gain insight that helps us create the present and future we desire. (Location 1726)

The Empathic Yes Brain

Empathy, like all other brain development, takes time. Also, development is sometimes a two steps forward one step back kind of thing. So don't overreact if you see a regression in your child's behavior, or if they don't express yet any signs of empathy. It takes time.

To encourage empathy, it's all about diverting their attention into the emotional state of others, sparking their curiosity instead of judgement.

Common methods:

1. Open ended questions - whenever someone displays emotions, could even be in a book, we ask "why did he act that way?" Or "what do you think he is feeling right now?" Open ended questions
2. Role play - try to switch places with your child. They will act as someone else while you act as them, and see how the scene plays out and whether your child can tap into someone else's emotions
3. I statements - instead of them saying "you should..." Or "you always do...", they should switch to I statements such as "I feel bad when..."
4. Altruistic care - to point them towards suffering of others and inviting them to volunteer with you to help someone else.

the empathic yes brain

• be careful about overreacting to what seems a lack of empathy in your young children. (Location 1819)
• empathy is rarely about giving advice or finding a silver lining. It’s much more about listening, being present, and sharing feelings. (Location 2102)

Rethinking Success: a Yes Brain Perspective

Happiness is not about pursuing external achievements and rewards, this creates a Future disillusionment when thinking about happiness. Instead of exploring who we are, we are embracing a cold, numeric proxy of the outside world. This is why a yes brain connects so well with true happiness. It is about learning who you are, while also having the necessary skills to venture through life and creating your own path, nursing your own unique spark. And that's exactly our goal as parents, to provide this support in identity discovery and fulfillment. We shouldn't control nor dictate their lives, and not fall pray to any metric that tries to define our kid such as test results, which university they picked, or overwhelm them with extracurricular classes. We must provide them with time to explore and play, while also exposing them to challenges such that they will learn to fall and get back up.

rethinking success: a yes brain perspective

• we need to help them figure out who they are so that they can not only succeed, but succeed in a way that emerges from and matches their talents and desires. (Location 2228)
• Yes Brain happiness and fulfillment that come with it, results not from rigid specialization, but from developing a wide array of interests and pursuits, because that kind of variety challenges and develops different parts of the brain, allowing the whole brain to grow and mature as a child’s inner development occurs and different neural connections are fostered. Growth is optimized with a Yes Brain stance. (Location 2381)
• If we can focus on these goals—honoring each child’s individual flame, while also teaching him or her the skills necessary to build an internal compass and succeed in life—we will create an environment that fosters a life full of happiness, meaning, and significance. A Yes Brain life. (Location 2406)