The Power of Showing Up (book)

✒️ Note-Making

🔗Connect

🔼Topic:: supporting independence 🔼Topic:: developing capabilities

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Don't be perfect, just show up - No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Our child's development can withstand that, as long as we attempt to repair when we lose our focus. As long as we keep on showing up, on trying, and remember how to approach them with empathy and making them feel safe, seen and soothed, they will grow up just fine
2. Secure attachment is key for development - When a child is feeling safe, seen and soothed they develop a "secure attachment" to the parent. The parent becomes a safe base, somewhere to return to when things are hard, a place to keep them safe when the storms outside are too powerful, and to replenish their energy and support them when they need to. Instead of creating spoiled children, it does the opposite. This secure attachments gives them the strength and courage to venture out into the world on their own, and with the toolset to face challenges themselves.
3. Safe, seen and soothed - The three types of support that we have to give as parents:
   1. Safe - protected from harm (which is often ourselves). To know that even when we mess up, we care about them, and we will try to repair it.
   2. Seen - we care and pay attention to them. We see beyond their external behavior and understand what they feel inside, what they are going through
   3. Soothed - we will be by their side when they are hurt. We won't shield them from setbacks and failures, but we will be support and help them through these difficult moments
4. To be a good parent, resolve your childhood - It is hard to be a good parent if we have not resolved issues from our past, specifically how we were parented. History is not destiny, we can parent differently than our parents, but it takes introspection and acceptance, to decide to face the demons of our past head on in order to release us from their influence.

🗒️Relate

⛓ by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book?

🔍Critique

✅ relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument

1. The four s's:
   1. Safe - protected from harm and challenges too true
   2. Seen - we "get" them, see the world through their eyes
   3. Soothed - we help them find balance with emotions are overwhelming

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... The argument is only partially new, and while they try to differentiate from other books, it is evident that it's barely enough content to make a book.

However, as usual writing is engaging, clear and encouraging

🖼️Outline

📒 Notes

What it means to Show up

We will make mistakes, everybody does, and nobody is a perfect parent Perfectionism. Instead of worrying whether we are doing a good job, all that we need to do is to show up, to be present with them mentally, physically, and emotionally.

To be present means to help kids feel the four s's:

1. Safe - protected from harm. To know that even when we mess up, we care about them, and we will try to repair it.
2. Seen - we care and pay attention to them. We see beyond their external behavior and understand what they feel inside, what they are going through
3. Soothed - we will be by their side when they are hurt. We won't shield them from setbacks and failures, but we will be beside them through these storms
4. Secure - The result of having the other s's. When they posses mindsight, when they feel belong to the world, and believe in themselves and their ability to self regulate. They have both empathy and Self-awareness

The key here is neuroplasticity, children learn by doing, it's through the interactions with us that they get to develop the skills needed to handle life as a successful, capable, resilient, happy adult. This will also improve their relationships with others and us parents.

The (parenting) goal is a secure attachment which will be their Safe Base which will allow them to explore the world, to have a growth mindset and face difficulties because when they will need us we will be there. The means by which we get there is through showing up which will support the 4 s's necessary for this type of attachment.

What It Means to Show Up

• you don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is. There’s no such thing as flawless child-rearing. (Location 68)
• Instead of worrying, or trying to attain some standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist, just show up. (Location 77)
• Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment. (Location 83)
• Predictable care that supports a healthy and empowering relationship embodies what we call the “Four S’s”—helping kids feel (1) safe—they feel protected and sheltered from harm; (2) seen—they know you care about them and pay attention to them; (3) soothed—they know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting; and (4) secure—based on the other S’s, they trust you to predictably help them feel “at home” in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed. (Location 103)
• Anything we give attention to, anything we emphasize in our experiences and interactions, creates new links in the brain. Where attention goes, neurons fire. And where neurons fire, they wire, or join together. (Location 127)
• Kids learn who they are and who they can and should be, in both good times and bad, through their interactions with us, their parents. (Location 140)
• Remember, the key is repair, repair, repair. There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. (Location 167)
• Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to their emotions, both positive and negative. (Location 171)
• We have to let them learn that with life comes pain, but that lesson should be accompanied by the deep awareness that they’ll never have to suffer alone. (Location 192)
• Their security will come when they believe that you’ll do all you can to keep them safe, that you’ll work hard to help them feel seen when they come to you, and that when things don’t go their way, you’ll be there to soothe them. (Location 198)
• Your job as a parent is not to prevent them from experiencing setbacks and failures, but to give them the tools and emotional resilience they need to weather life’s storms, and then to walk beside them through those storms. (Location 228)
• with secure attachment, kids can approach the world from a Yes-Brain mentality. They’re emotionally balanced, resilient, insightful, and empathetic. They can display all of these attributes because they feel safe and comfortable in the world, because they have a secure base at home. (Location 259)
• They don’t need every advantage, and they don’t need a superparent. They just need you—authentic, flawed, and fully present you. (Location 309)

Why Do Some Parents Show up while Others Don't?

Parents who show up are parents who have made sense of their own history as children to parents, and have decided which parents they want to be and how to parent their own children harmonious self. Note that history is not destiny, we can choose to parent differently than how we were raised. We are not to blame on how we were raised, but we are responsible for what kind of parent we are going to be.

By "made sense" we mean that we have dived deep into analyzing our childhood, how we were treated and how we felt about it. Only by dealing with trauma we will be able to heal from it, not through ignoring it The law of reverse effect. Having a unified Narratives of who we are, the journey we went through, and the path we want to march on is key to develop our agency, for healthy interactions with our children, and to help them develop themselves too.

Children establish their identity through interactions with others interpersonal identity, so the more connected we are, the more attuned we are to their needs, the more we show up for them when they need us, the more they will be able to develop their own identity to a strong and resilient one, one that can safely venture out to the world because they know that we will always be their for them. This is called secure attachment.

Other (negative) types of attachment:

1. Avoidant attachment - The child has learned to ignore us, since it feels that we ignore them, that we are ignorant to their needs, as if we don't care about them at all, so why should they care about us?
2. Ambivalent attachment - The child is not sure that we will always be there for them, so they are having troubles letting us go, they are "too dependent" on us, because we are not consistent in our behavior, and they fear that our attention might someday go away, so better to hold on while we can
3. Disorganized attachment - In cases of neglective or harmful parenting, the child has a love-hate relationship with us. They wish to rely on us, but at the same time fear us.

The child subconsciously develops one type of attachment based on how we as parents interact with them. That's why it is crucial that we not only display our desire to be attuned to our child's emotions and needs, but also have the capabilities to do so.

The usual suspects for developing harmful attachments are:

1. Gaslighting - we purposefully or unintentionally belittle their needs or ignore them gaslighting
2. Emotional hijacking - seeing our child's crisis overwhelms us emotionally and we lack the capacity to sooth ourselves, not to mention our children. It's even worse if we treat the child as the reason for our emotional state and lash out at them emotional hijacking
3. Emotional projection - we unintentionally pass on our fears and worries onto our children because we fail to see their own needs and circumstances, rather we are subconsciously too focused on our own emotional projection

Why Do Some Parents Show Up, While Others Don’t?

• Parents who show up are the ones who have made sense of their own life experiences, creating a “coherent narrative” and being able to offer parental presence so that they show up inside and out. (Location 359)
• We are all born with the innate drive to connect, and when that connection is reliably established and repairs are made in response to relational ruptures, then the brain can grow in optimal ways. (Location 398)
• you’re not to blame for your parents’ failure to show up for you in your childhood, and that you have the power to liberate yourself now from a past you did not create. Then, out of that liberation, you can begin taking responsibility for your behavior going forward, (Location 943)

Beyond Helmets and Kneepads

Helping your child feel safe

Our first and main goal as caretakers is to help our child feel safe. When they feel safe, they can let go of worrying themselves about the situation, knowing that we are there for them, and they can switch to upper brain thinking system 2, and spend resources growing and developing themselves.

Otherwise, they have to be on full alert, activating their downstairs brain system 1 more, protecting themselves from threats instead of taking care of the long run.

Therefore our role is to protect them from threats, to not become a threat ourselves (through abuse, neglect and general dysfunction), and to signal that to our children such that they will know they can count on us, that we will always be there to support and protect them from harm. Harm can be both physical, and emotional.

Unfortunately, at the first years we are probably a greater potential threat to our children than any other. Our interactions with them can be harmful if we lash out at them, if we belittle them, but it is also how the household is run. If the parents fight a lot and don't resolve their conflict in a healthy way, and especially if we use the children as a tool in the argument, if the household is filled with substance abuse (such as alcohol or drugs), if the children are exposed to harmful content such as violence or porn, these are all forms of lack of safety for our children.

Being over protective is not the answer. When we "rescue" them from every challenge, we send a vote of lack of confidence in their abilities, and deny them of the chances to develop those crucial skills themselves. Dont Jump to the Rescue

Remember that it's not always to notice if the situation is too much for them to handle, especially when our capacity to handle challenges changes based on context.

When we ourselves feel uncapable of handling the situation, remember to take a Pause, and if we made a mistake, it is vital that we try to Repair the situation, to apologize, to make amends, and to reassure them of our unconditional love and support.

Beyond Helmets and Kneepads

• all of that begins with a consistent message from the caregiver: I’m here for you. I will protect you. I am the nest, the protective home you can count on, and when you’re afraid or in danger, I’ll always be here. (Location 1098)
• When we resist the urge to rescue kids, or to complete a difficult chore for them, we show them that we believe they can do it, and we let them learn that they can accomplish these tasks on their own. Then they feel safe to do so. But if we always step in and act on their behalf, we deprive them of the opportunity to develop these important abilities. (Location 1301)

The Value of Being Known

helping your kids feel seen

Feeling seen is when the child believes we "get them", we are able to empathize we them because we understand who they are and what they are going through. Generating this feeling requires us to:

1. Perceive - To see beyond the behavior, the intentions and the "mind" that has lead to it mindfulness
2. Make sense - To try and figure out what "logic" they were following, what happened that has caused this behavior, how do they see the situation?
3. Respond - To act kindly, respectfully and empathically. Instead of bombarding them with logical lecturing, we can react to the situation through their eyes.

We fail to make them feel seen when we are quick to label them, like "lazy" or "you are just like your father", or when we assume we share the same preferences or see the world the same way. It's even worse if we Shame them for feeling this way. Remember that in the end there's a distinction between if they won't act the way you want to or can't.

One way of being more mindful of their point of view is to approach their behavior with curiosity.

Another is to create opportunities to get to know them. For example before bedtime is a great time for that, because we are more opened and relaxed. Instead of "how was your day", try to reflect on more specific things, perhaps discuss a movie you saw together, something that you experienced together or heard about, even some ethical dilemmas.

The Value of Being Known

• when we show love and support, it makes life better not only for our child but for us as parents as well. (Location 1704)
• A huge part of building secure attachment is seeing your kids and welcoming the fullness of who they are. It’s about making them feel free to share their feelings, even the big and scary ones that threaten to overwhelm them. (Location 1735)
• You don’t have to wait for big, serious conversations to do the important work of teaching or learning about your kids. You just have to show up and pay attention—to be present. (Location 1888)

Presence Joins Us as part of a Calming Whole

Helping your kids feel soothed

When our children are being overwhelmed with emotions, it's important for us to sooth them. With time, the more we help them get back to a calm state, they will learn to sooth themselves, i.e they will develop their ability to self regulate, and maintaining calm when faced with challenges and hardships. Self regulate is also a key skill for many other skills such as empathy, morality and decision making. Emotional Resilience

Soothing is when we acknowledge what they are feeling, and create a sense of "we" vs a shared issue instead of "me" against "you". Remember the connect and redirect and green zone methods of previous books. The goal is not to lecture, but to provide understanding and be a safe place for them to unload. Note that this doesn't mean giving up on your limits, the children need it, it's just accepting that their reactions to those limits might not be positive. Don't forget to use calming non verbal communication, talking at eye level, using a soft voice, a touch or a hug can do magics.

When they have a hard time, you can try to:

1. Be with them in their "safe space" - perhaps a tent in the living room, a place special for them, filled with whatever makes them calm
2. Let them hear music
3. Move with them - jump around, run, dance, get the body moving

How to respond to situations (the PEACE method):

1. Presence - be there with them fully, give them your whole undivided attention
2. Engagement - truly listen to them
3. Affection - show them how much you love them, use your body language
4. Calm - keep calm yourself
5. Empathy - even if you don't feel the same way, let them know you understand how they feel

Presence Joins Us as Part of a Calming Whole

• soothing approach over time also began significantly decreasing the length, intensity, and frequency of behavioral outbursts and other disciplinary issues. (Location 2062)
• If you find yourself in a situation where you are overwhelmed and out of control, I will help you, and together we’ll get you back to calm. (Location 2070)
• the repeated experience of interactive soothing can lead to an internalized capacity for the child to soothe herself when she needs it. (Location 2083)

Putting All the S's together

Helping your kids feel secure

When we combine the three s's, when they feel safe, seen and soothed, then we have secure attachment, which empowers them to become resilient, independent, mindful and moral adults.

They become independent because through our interactions they have developed a sense of self worth, they believe in their capacity to handle challenges, knowing that they can always go back to us if it's too much. This makes stress something positive, something that causes them to rise up to the challenge, instead of crumbling down.

Note that caring for your child's emotional needs is never coddling or spoiling them, but rather help them develop. This doesn't mean we have to answer to their every whim, only to what they truly need, and it's our job to identity which is which, and to repair if we treated their need as a simple want. Think of your relationship as an investment, each time we show up for them we make a deposit, and each time we neglect, shout or belittle we make a withdraw. We want to keep the balance positive.

Also, remember to teach them mindsight skills, as they will help them notice that feelings are strong yet fleeting, they don't define us, and like waves they hit us, but we can dive deep and keep calm no matter what's going on on the surface.

Putting All the S’s Together

• Kids who believe that their caregivers will show up for them over and over again develop the independence and resilience that give them the self-confidence to step beyond their comfort zones. (Location 2715)
• feelings are important and should definitely be recognized as such, but we also should recognize that they are flowing and changing throughout our lives, and throughout our day. (Location 2908)

From the Playground to the Dorm Room

A look into the future

Remember that development takes time, yet what you do today, how you act today, will help them become their best selves. You will make mistakes, yet as long as you continually try and show up, and repair when you fail, you will succeed.

From the Playground to the Dorm Room

• security doesn’t require that you’re perfect. You’re not going to provide flawless care in every interaction you have with your child. But by repeatedly showing up—reliably making repairs when the inevitable ruptures occur—and providing the Four S’s, you will be creating the kind of future that allows your child to flourish and thrive, even in the midst of life’s harsh realities, as a young adult and throughout their whole life. (Location 3000)