The Power of A Positive No (book)

✒️ Note-Making

🔗Connect

🔼Topic:: Saying no

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Balancing power and relationships - we want to stand our ground yet to be agreeable. This fake dichotomy often leads us to avoid saying no, or saying it aggressively. The key is to say a "positive no", one that preserves the relationship while maintaining our boundaries
2. Connect with your values - understand not what you're running away from, but what you are running to. To stand up for yourself you need a strong connection to your core values, to your identity, to the people you care about.
3. State your boundaries - uncovering what you care about will empower your ability to stick with placing boundaries. Be firm yet respectful and polite. Have a plan B in case your no is unaccepted.
4. Find a shared solution - To resolve a conflict in a way that preserves the relationship while increasing the chances for your request to be accepted, you must seek a shared solution. See the situation through the other's eyes, be respectful, polite and positive.

🗒️Relate

⛓ by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book?

1. Better conflict resolution - Both short term benefits of staying true to yourself while also getting more from the other (in a mutually beneficial way), but also in the long run we will have more cooperation and less conflict because we maintained a positive relationship

🔍Critique

✅ relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument

1. yes, no yes tree - Imagine conflict resolution as a tree. It starts from the roots, the first yes, where you draw your power from, your core values. The second part is the trunk, which is your "no", it is your power to resist the winds, to stand strong and keep your roots planted in the ground. The last section is the branches, the second yes, which represents your attempt to connect with the world, to offer something back.

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... Despite the short length of the book it feels long in a bad way. The actual content is short, and it shows both in the amount of examples, the repetitiveness, and the overlap between different chapters despite dealing with different topics.

🖼️Outline

📒 Notes

Getting to a no

In a culture that is fixated on getting to "Yes", we have lost the power to say no. Saying no helps us set boundaries, it helps us defend ourselves from actions that goes against our wellbeing, and it is an expression of our authenticity.

It is an important tool to have, one that we should develop.

GETTING TO NO

• All too often, we cannot bring ourselves to say No when we want to and know we should. (Location 121)

The Gift of no

Saying no is difficult because it puts us in tension between ourselves (our power) and our relationships. We are social beings human is a social being, and we want to uphold others expectations of us. We fear conflicts.

That's why the common answers Organizational Conflict to conflicts are:

1. False yes (accommodation) - we say "yes" even though we didn't want to. We play along while bearing the costs on ourselves
2. Angry no (attack) - we lash out, we treat it as a threat that must be eliminated. We see only our point of view in this situation
3. Nothing (avoidance) - we do and say nothing, hoping that the problem would go away on its on

The better alternative is a positive no. It's a way to preserve both your power and your relationships. A positive no has a yes, no, yes structure:

1. First yes - you state your values and your interests, your reasons for refusing: "I want to be there for my family"
2. No - you state your limits, your deal breakers: "so I will not be able to constantly work weekends"
3. Second yes - you reach out for a shared solution: "how about we reprioritize my schedule and see where we could make time for this project"

THE GREAT GIFT OF NO

• At the heart of the difficulty in saying No is the tension between exercising your power and tending to your relationship. Exercising your power, while central to the act of saying No, may strain your relationship, whereas tending to your relationship may weaken your power. (Location 206)
• half our problems today come from saying Yes when we should be saying No. (Location 226)
• “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” (Location 232)
• A Positive No, in short, is a Yes! No. Yes? The first Yes expresses your interests, the No asserts your power, and the second Yes furthers your relationship. A Positive No thus balances power and relationship in the service of your interests. (Location 300)
• If you can learn how to say No skillfully and wisely, you can create what you want, protect what you value, and change what doesn’t work. (Location 318)

Prepare

Uncover Your Yes

Our main problem with saying no is that we start with no. We are reactive, instead of proactive. We are quick to follow emotions like fear, anger and guilt emotional hijacking, which is not only a counterproductive way to say no, it is also weaker.

A better way is to start with a yes, to focus on your core values. For example, instead of saying "I don't want to be a smoker", say "I want to be healthy for my family". You have to dig deep, to ask yourself which person do you want to be, what is the reason behind your actions, what needs you have, what are you trying to protect, change or create in the world.

This often requires us to take a Pause, to stop for a moment and let the emotions cool down while we Reflect internally and check what are our goals, our values and how they interact with this situation. Don't be afraid to ask for a break, even just five minutes for reflection can be life changing.

Additionally, we need on the one hand to validate our own emotions, not to suppress or immediately act on them, but to listen to them Gut Feeling. They can provide us with valuable information on which direction we should take, which core value is being threatened or neglected. With the help of cognitive distancing, we can separate ourselves from the emotion we are currently experiencing, allowing us to take control of it instead of the other way around, and better yet, to use it as fuel for our resolve emotional aikido.

UNCOVER YOUR YES

• Perhaps the single biggest mistake we make when we say No is to start from No. (Location 384)
• shift from being reactive and focused on No, to being proactive and focused on Yes. (Location 418)
• The real action of standing up for yourself takes place inside you before you say No. (Location 432)
• Become aware of your emotions and, in so doing, take control of them rather than let them take control of you. The most effective way to deal with your negative emotions is not to act them out. It is to hear them out. (Location 479)
• To uncover your needs, listen to your emotions. Emotions have intelligence—they are the language used by your core needs to signal that they are not being met. (Location 560)
• The deeper you go into your Yes, the stronger your No will be. (Location 617)
• In addition to serving as warning signals of unmet needs, emotions play another critical function: they provide fuel for action. They impel us to take appropriate action to protect our core interests, giving us courage and resolve. (Location 662)
• you can use your emotions to mobilize yourself to say No and stand up for what is important to you. Anxiety, fear, and anger bring you the gift of transformative energy, which is precisely what you need to make internal and external changes. (Location 700)

Empower Your no

Saying no is about standing up for yourself, it's finding the Confidence to protect your yes without "needing" the other's approval. This confidence stems from having a plan B multitrack. The plan B is not an alternative suggestion in case the other refuses to accept your no, but rather something you can do regardless of their reaction. For example, if you tell your boss that you will stop working weekends, and they say that it's part of the job, you can always quit and look for a different job. Don't be stuck in a binary thinking that you either get want you want or that you have to accommodate their desires.

Brainstorm different ideas Zoom out, try to think about the worst possible case Pre-Mortem. It might be helpful to seek others' help and build a coalition to your plan B.

EMPOWER YOUR NO

• Plan B is not an option for agreement at all but rather an alternative to agreement, a course of action you could pursue independent of the other’s agreement. (Location 818)
• The hallmark of a free person is their right to make decisions for themselves and to take the consequences. (Location 994)

Respect Your way to Yes

Another important part of saying no is doing it in a way that will cause the other to be cooperative, that they will be ready to hear your no instead of rejecting it. The key is respect. First it starts with respect for yourself Self-compassion. We see respect as a sign of our values and moral code, regardless of who we are talking to. It is an expression of ourselves to be respectful.

Respect starts with active listening, we need to really understand the other side, even if we don't agree with them, even if we don't like them. If we will be confrontational and just ready to refute whatever they are saying, how can we expect something else in return? Remember that We can't read minds, so ask a lot of clarifying questions to understand them. By showing them that we understand them, we open them up and they will be much more willing to respond kindly in return.

Another way to be respectful is to treat the problem as the problem, not the person in front of you. You are working together to solve a shared problem. By approaching with positivity, we also allow them to maintain their self worth without feeling attacked.

RESPECT YOUR WAY TO YES

• The secret to preparing the other to eventually say Yes is not to reject them, but to do the opposite: respect them. (Location 1024)
• Self-respect creates the emotional and mental space that allows us to truly see the other. (Location 1094)
• You give respect to the other not so much because of who they are but because of who you are. Respect is an expression of yourself and your values. (Location 1105)
• Acknowledgment does not mean agreeing with the other. It does not mean making any substantive concessions. It does not mean holding the other in high esteem. All it means is recognition. All human beings have a basic need to be recognized. (Location 1216)

Deliver

Express Your Yes

Your initial yes is important to assert your strength while also communication to the other the reason for your no.

To communicate it effectively, you should use either the, I or we statements (or a combination). Notice that it doesn't include you statements like "you always do x" or "you are just a x..." these kinds of statements turn the other into the problem, instead of both of us focusing on the problem together:

1. The statements - these are statements about facts. Objective, non judgmental as much as possible. such as "The report was supposed to be sent today".
2. I statements - Talk about how you feel. It's about speaking your truth, not about proving the other that they are wrong. "I was hurt when I saw that the food I made was thrown into the trash". Be honest, but not mean.
3. We statements - an appeal to a shared interest. Explain why you prefer to act in a certain way because it is beneficial for both of you.

EXPRESS YOUR YES

• Your initial Yes has two basic purposes: it affirms your intention and it explains to the other why you are saying No. (Location 1355)
• don’t blame, don’t shame. Speak your truth openly, but don’t do it with cruelty. (Location 1455)
• venting at the other can be a counterproductive method for cooling down. Far from decreasing one’s level of anger, angry outbursts usually increase it and, in fact, prolong an angry mood. (Location 1485)
• You are responsible for expressing your feelings and interests clearly. You are responsible for delivering a respectful I-statement, and then it is up to the other to choose how to respond. (Location 1518)

Assert Your no

The "no" should flow naturally from your yes, it functions as a shield protecting your yes without being aggressive or hurtful. It forms as a speech acts, a statement that leads to a different reality.

You should try to use "no" as little as possible, and replace it with something more informative and easier to accept,like "I have a policy..." Or "I can't commit to ...". Sometimes no can be transferred into a yes, instead of "don't do x", we can say "you can do x after we..."

Propose a Yes

Don't end with a no. After you said what you can't and won't do, say what you can do. Show that you respect and value the other side and wish to find a mutually beneficial solution. Sometimes only through your second yes the other would be able to understand you. Also it makes them much more open to comply when they know you still care about their interests.

Answer in a clear, respectful and positive manner. Also, don't address their attitude or values, talk about specific actions you want them to perform.

PROPOSE A YES

• Making a positive proposal has another great merit: it shows respect for the other and their needs. They will be much more likely to accept your No and agree to respect your interests if you can figure out a way to address theirs. (Location 1960)
• Instead of asking the other to change their attitude or feeling, which rarely works, it is more effective to couch your request in terms of specific behaviors you would like to see. (Location 2062)
• don’t just tell the other to stop doing something you don’t want; ask them to start doing something you do want. (Location 2102)

Follow through

Stay True to Your Yes

It's hard to stay true to your yes when encountering resistance. To reduce the chance of resistance:

1. Give them time to process - it's not easy hearing no, and it's hard to maintain composure after that. Give them time to process and think about what they could do next (for example focus on your second yes)
2. Don't yield or attack - when we do either, we don't allow the other to process our no, because we either yield to their desires (solving the need to face your no), or attacking (switching their mind into fight or flight)

To be unaffected by others remember to take a pause and zoom out. Also try to name how they respond, like flattery, bribery, threats, and so on. Naming those will help you remove their power over you and staying true to your yes.

Also you can try mirroring, to repeat back what was said to you both to make sure you really understand the other, and also that he will feel understood.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR YES

• Whether you attack or yield, you are reacting. You are off track, no longer focused on the prize—the protection of your core interests and needs. Yielding rewards the other’s abusive behavior, and counterattacking reinforces it. In either case, you interrupt the other’s process of accepting our No. (Location 2267)

Underscore Your no

Sometimes your No isn't accepted on the first try. Don't waiver, be persistent. Repeat your no as much as necessary. Mention the logical consequences of continuing on this path (what happens if behavior is not changed, or request not complied), note that this is not a threat, rather an attempt to look at reality for as a neutral observer.

And if all else fails, it's time for your plan B.

Negotiate to Yes

After we have stood by our yes, reaffirmed our no, it's time to end with a yes. This means sticking to your essentials, yet finding a solution that is respectful and beneficial win win situations as much as possible to you both while taking into consideration the long run. Your interaction might not be a one-time thing, you will continue to work/be together so how this "negotiation" ends and how your relationship continue is important.

Think about their point of view. What are their essentials? what can you still offer them while being true to your no? Which steps can you do to help them maintain their dignity or their appearance even if the content of the agreement is sub par? Even a simple apology, a declaration, a gesture of good will is enough to turn an impasse into a workable agreement.

NEGOTIATE TO YES

• Saying No may be but one episode in a long series of Nos. The challenge is to keep the relationship cordial while you continue to have your differences. (Location 2947)

The Marriage of Yes and no

Saying yes without no is submissiveness, saying no without yes is war. We need them both, both setting limits to protect ourselves, yet caring about the other and looking for a shared solution.