The Gift Of Failure (book)

🔗Connect

🔼Topic:: developing capabilities

✒️ Note-Making

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. "Good" parenting is letting go - while it feels good to save our kids, to take care of their troubles, it prevents them from developing. As hard as it may be, we need to let go, we need to provide them with the power of making decisions, having autonomy over their lives.
2. Failure creates competence - you can't learn without experiencing what it means to fail. When they feel the failure, when they get feedback for their actions, they learn best. It will take time, and it will be messy, and we need the patience to not swoop in and save them or do it for them. As long as its not dangerous, let them try and fail on their own.
3. Over parenting blocks intrinsic motivation - when we try to mold them to be like us, when we lecture them on how to "do it right", we turn the act into something discouraging, into a chore. It's a surefire way to snuff out any intrinsic motivation. External rewards are even worse, taking out incentives to enjoy the task, and prioritize stress and success over experience.

🗒️Relate

⛓ Life lessons, action items

🔍Critique

✅ by following this method, what will happen? More independent children, by letting them fail, and when we let go, we allow them to develop.

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... The idea is very simple, described well in the first section, and then the entire rest of the book is just a repeat and examples of the same principle, often giving very little substance and more focused on personal stories.

Compare to The Self-Driven Child (book), this book is much more shallow and less polished, and barely adds anything new over it.

📒 Notes

How I Learned to Let Go

We as parents wish to protect our children, to care, to help, to ease their pain. We see it as a sign of love, as good parenting. We also tie their successes and failures to us as parents and as people. It's all about signaling, even for ourselves, that we make a good job. We try to measure their progress as much as possible, looking for every indication that they are doing well. Usually those are numeric metrics, while the important ones are neglected and hidden McNamara Fallacy.

In truth, when we overprotect our children, we actually harm them The law of reverse effect. By doing things for them and protecting them from failures, we send a clear message that we don't Trust them, that they're incapable of doing things on their own. They later internalize that message, as they give up on even trying, either hoping we would come to their rescue, and/or feel helplessness vs the difficulties of life.

Instead, we should embrace failures, let them meet them head on, while we show our trust in their competence to overcome. dont jump to the rescue.

HOW I LEARNED TO LET GO

• The setbacks, mistakes, miscalculations, and failures we have shoved out of our children’s way are the very experiences that teach them how to be resourceful, persistent, innovative, and resilient citizens of this world. (Location 274)
• EVERY TIME WE RESCUE, HOVER, or otherwise save our children from a challenge, we send a very clear message: that we believe they are incompetent, incapable, and unworthy of our trust. (Location 408)
• In order to help children make the most of their education, parents must begin to relinquish control and focus on three goals: embracing opportunities to fail, finding ways to learn from that failure, and creating positive home-school relationships. (Location 465)

Failure

A most valuable lesson

How Failure Became a Dirty Word

Since the modern age, children were full members of the household and responsible for it's financial wellbeing. That gave them plenty of failures and chances to grow, but since the industrial revolution, they were used and abused in dangerous ways. After child protection laws, children were diverted to education, to something that has to be protected and nurtured at all costs. With it came "parenting expertise", and parents could no longer have confidence in their parenting techniques.

This state of confusion alongside the dismantling of the nuclear family with the women joining the workforce let a lot of parents helpless and depressed.

The simple answer that followed was "do what feels good". Parents indulged their children while trying to make easy life's for themselves. Let them watch tv, let them have cake, and by rescuing them from failures and tantrums, both of us feel better so way not? However this perception prioritized short term benefits over long term grow.

HOW FAILURE BECAME A DIRTY WORD:

• Parenting for autonomy. Parenting for independence and a sense of self, born out of real competence, not misguided confidence. Parenting for resilience in the face of mistakes and failures. Parenting for what is right and good in the final tally, not for what feels right and good in the moment. Parenting for tomorrow, not just for today. (Location 704)

Why Parenting for Dependence Doesn't Work

The power of intrinsic motivation

When we impose our will and our viewpoint on the children, when we use external rewards as motivation, we crowed out their intrinsic motivation for external one. However the external motivation is short lasting, it harms their creativity and focus because they focus on the reward and not the activity. It often creates backlash if they feel they are being controlled. It is only useful for basic, repetitive boring tasks.

So how do we maintain the intrinsic motivation and their sense of curiosity? We need to back off acceptance. We need to let go of our attempts to control them, to give them a sense of Autonomy over their lives, and let them explore however they like, as long as it's within safe accepted limits. Micro-Management.

When they are able to set and pursue their own goals, they increase their risk taking and are willing to face failures in a safe environment. Similarly, they should have a growth mindset. When we jump to their rescue and solve their problems, we deny them of that.

WHY PARENTING FOR DEPENDENCE DOESN’T WORK:

• The less we push our kids toward educational success, the more they will learn. The less we use external, or extrinsic, rewards on our children, the more they will engage in their education for the sake and love of learning. (Location 754)
• Rewards may get results in the short term, but when it comes to encouraging long-term drive and enthusiasm for learning, rewards are terrible motivators. (Location 759)
• As kids get older, our goal should be to preserve this natural curiosity and thirst for discovery at all costs. (Location 779)
• The quickest way to kill off your child’s interest in a game, topic, or experiment is to impose your will on her learning. (Location 831)
• Rewards work for repetitive, uncomplicated, or boring tasks, but when it comes to creativity and nuanced learning, they are lousy motivators. (Location 883)
• If we really want our kids to invest in long-term goals, those goals have to be their goals, not ours. (Location 926)
• overparenting undermines so much of what contributes to a growth mindset and therefore inhibits intrinsic motivation. (Location 987)
• one of the most important things parents can do for their children is to show them that they are not alone in the world, that they matter in the big picture, and that their parents are there to support them as they find their place within it. (Location 996)

Less Really is More

parenting for autonomy and competence

It seems that failures and the competence that follows can only happen when the child is both responsible for their actions, and experience the failure itself. It's all about experience knowledge, if we see them heading towards a failure and try to save them from it, even if we lecture them about it it's not the same as if they have felt what it's like to fail themselves.

Therefore we should not be too rigid, we can't force "best practices" or determine what is the right path for them to do something. Even if it seems like an act of kindness or care, we should let them be the owners of their fate, for better or worse.

LESS REALLY IS MORE: PARENTING FOR AUTONOMY AND COMPETENCE

• You will make mistakes. We all do. But as long as we love our children, and make it clear to them that our love is not contingent on their performance, they will be fine. (Location 1242)

Encouragement from the Sidelines

The real connection between praise and self esteem

We should praise effort, and not achievements. When we praise achievements, the child develops a fixed mindset. They think we only love them if they succeed in life, and that's why they would want to avoid difficult challenges because they might fail and damage their self esteem. However when we praise for effort, and give concrete feedback such as "You did great practicing perspective in drawing" would give them a growth mindset, they would learn that as long as they try their best, that what counts. Similarly, it shows them that we see their effort, we validate their emotions through those struggles and empathize with their pain, instead of a "you are so smart" that might belittle their experience. how to give praises

ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THE SIDELINES:

• Kids who are praised for effort are more likely to have a growth mindset, the understanding that intelligence and capability can be improved with effort. (Location 1297)

Learning from Failure

Teaching kids to turn mistakes into success

Household Duties

Laundry as an opportunity for competence

To develop competence, kids have to be a part of "family contribution" (aka chores). They often want to be a part, we just need to let them. We have to remember that they won't do things as fast and as good as us, but what matters is the process of failing and learning.

Don't be tempted to do it for them even if they forget about it or that it takes them a day or two, and don't redo the chores after they are done, they will notice.

HOUSEHOLD DUTIES:

• Whether we overparent and protect out of a need for perfectionism, a desire to show affection, or a need to prove our own parenting excellence, we deny our children the opportunity to be full members of the family with their own duties and responsibilities. (Location 1461)
• It’s time to grant our kids the opportunity to contribute. Allow them the chance to step up, try, fail, and try again until they get it right. (Location 1507)

Friends

Accomplices to failure and the formation of identity

Same as we don't need to rescue them from personal failures, we also don't need to rescue them from social failures. Having an argument, whether from the victim or bully side, is a good lesson to have. If we swoop in to take them away, resolve it for them, and cancel the situation we are taking away a valuable lesson. The victim will not learn to stand their ground, and the bully won't learn the negative consequences of their actions. Empathy could not develop, and no social skill like negotiation and conflict resolution could grow. As long as it doesn't become too damaging, we need to stick to the sidelines.

Let them choose who they are friends with is also crucial. Even if they are not your preferred type, you don't know how they interact with each other, how they influence each other, and what they might learn. On the contrary, be welcoming, ask non threatening open ended questions like "how did you meet", and support their choices. Only intervene if you think they are in immediate danger.

FRIENDS:

• Children develop empathy by seeing and hearing other people’s reactions and emotions, and when we don’t allow our children to experience the full brunt of those uncomfortable moments, we deny them a glimpse into the consequences and impact of their actions on others. (Location 1730)
• Parents need to step back and allow minor playground squabbles to play out because these conflicts give kids a chance to learn how to handle themselves in an increasingly powerful bully culture. (Location 1807)
• No matter how nervous these strange and different friends make you feel, it’s vital that you stay out of your child’s social choices, particularly in adolescence. (Location 1860)
• Model positive and mutually beneficial friendships for your children. Talk about what makes a good friend and why you consider your friends good influences in your life. (Location 1949)

Sports

Losing as an essential childhood experience

Sport is all about having fun, cooperation and being in the zone. Your role as a parent is to be supportive. You are not a coach, not a sports analyst, you are there to support your child in having fun, to experience the joy of the game with them, nothing more, nothing less. They are not meant to fulfill your athletic dreams, or to stack your shelf with trophies.

Middle School

Prime time for failure

Middle school is when expectations rise up, while mental faculty remains partial and they lack the Self-awareness needed to bridge the gap themselves. They are overwhelmed with so many internal, social and mental changes that's sometimes too much to handle. Our job is to make it easy for them, while not doing it for them.

Mostly, it's about helping them manage their time and focus. Having a calendar, a Pomodoro timer, and a weekly planning session could help keep themselves on track.

Additionally, make expectations, instructions and any other tasks as simple to understand as possible, and perhaps record them so that it will be easier to recall later.

It's important to guard their sleep schedule to make sure they will have the energy to make it through the day.

MIDDLE SCHOOL:

• The key to helping kids create the systems they need to gain executive function is to let them fail, let them feel the pain and inconvenience of their mistakes, and then support them in their efforts to rework the bugs. Try, fail, suffer a little, remedy, try again. (Location 2273)

Highschool and beyond

Towards real independence

High school is when they are finally capable of being completely independent. This is when we step to the sidelines, and let them lead, and only help if they ask for our help

Succeeding at School

Learning from failure is a team effort

Parent Teacher Partnerships

How our fear of failure undermines education

A positive teacher-parents relationship is pivotal to learning. So try to be optimist, trusting, empathic and respectful to the staff. Welcome their feedback, remember that you both share a common interest which is your child, and be enthusiastic about the child's learning process and subjects.

PARENT-TEACHER PARTNERSHIPS:

• positive family-school relationships are vital to student success. (Location 2851)

Homework

How to help without taking over

We are there to make sure they have the best study environment possible, one without distractions, and help them develop positive work habits, but we are not there to do the homework for them, and we are not meant to hold their hand through the entire process. Let them determine what is the best course of action to do the homework, and praise their efforts, not achievements. Make sure they get enough sleep to have the mental energy to complete the homework.

HOMEWORK:

• Your job is not to save her from disappointment or embarrassment, but to sympathize, support, and help her find the strength and skills she will need (Location 3161)

Grades

The real value of a low score

Grades are not a good measure of the child's abilities, let alone their self worth. Furthermore, they are a form of the external motivation with all it's drawbacks. Therefore we should treat them with the limited importance they have. Better than grades, we should seek feedback and improvement over "objective" indication.

GRADES:

• grades are just about the worst way to promote learning through intrinsic motivation. (Location 3449)
• Grades are not a measure of our children’s worth, and often they are not even an accurate measure of their ability. (Location 3463)