The Art of Loving

🔗Connect

🔼Topic:: Relationships

✒️ Note-Making

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Love is an activity - Love is not a matter of object, of "finding the right person", it is also not about being loved, or the overwhelming sensation of "falling in love" but rather our capability to love others. To be in love with life itself, and wish to see it grow. To bring wellbeing into the world by sharing ourselves with others, and helping them be who they want to be. To be caring, respecting, and responsible for the other. It is a rational decision, fueled by a leap into faith that we must love, even if we might not be loved back. It is to share our identity, our experiences, the good and the bad, while keeping ourselves whole and independent, a paradox of two become one while still being two.
2. Love has been commodified - Modern economics has created a culture where we view love as a matter of transactional benefit. We treat others and ourselves as objects in the process. For example when we use them for sexual gains only, as a replacement for parental figure, when we search for an unrealistic idol, or when we are looking for someone to control or to control us.
3. To love one is to love all - While it is only human that we feel different levels and types of connection to others, such as sibling love, romantic, friendship, etc, since love is a matter of promoting life, it is not a matter of finding just one person to love, but rather by a loving person, which means to treat others in a loving way, even and perhaps most importantly yourself.

🗒️Relate

⛓ Life lessons, action items

🔍Critique

✅ by following this method, what will happen?

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong... It sometimes shows the sexist side of him, denouncing homosexuality because a healthy bonds needs feminine and masculine tendencies, and his perception on fatherly vs motherly love. Although he says both sides exist within each person, the mere assignment to "masculine" and "feminine" is problematic.

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... The book is a mixture between wonderful segments about love, and a bit of a mess on the other. The ordering and sectioning of the chapters is a bit confusing, and the segments are intertwined with criticisms of Froid and modern economics instead of focusing on the main issue.

🖼️Outline

📒 Notes

Is Love an Art

There are some misleading conceptions around love:

1. To goal is to be loved - we focused on being loved rather than developing the capability to love Self Bias. We focus on our externalities, on being attractive, rather than on our virtues. Image vs core
2. Love is a search "for the one" - we think that love is a matter of find the best possible option for us out there, as if we are comparing different products. Economics has commodified our attitude towards love. We treat others as items with "market value" rather than human beings.
3. Love is instantaneous - we being that to love is "to fall in love", that love is the sudden rush of emotions and attraction towards a stranger, instead of it being only the result of our loneliness Instant Gratification.

I.   Is Love an Art?

• Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one’s capacity to love. (Location 43)
• they take the intensity of the infatuation, this being “crazy” about each other, for proof of the intensity of their love, while it may only prove the degree of their preceding loneliness. (Location 81)

The Theory of Love

Love - the Answer to the Problems of Humans Existence

The tale of human existence is one of tension between helplessness and understanding the Absurdity of existence, vs our will to transcend it. This knowledge that everything is finite and will end in death is the source of all Stress and feelings of separatedness, but also what drives us to escape it.

There are three main paths chosen for escaping it:

1. Sensual climaxing - Alcohol, drugs, and erotic's are all such forms. There are meant as a numbing of our pain and fear by overloading our senses with something else, more powerful. This is a problem of addiction, which only grows worse with time as the doses rise and the payoff diminishes. Addiction
2. Conformity - we resolve the anxiety by becoming one with society, a member of the herd, we lose ourselves in the process, we embrace the world's expectation on work, on habits, even on leisure. We lie even to ourselves, believing that society's thoughts are our own. Conformism
3. Legacy - through creative work we strive to leave a mark, to be remembered, to last even after our death.

The problem with these methods is that they are all either partial or destined to fail. Sensual is temporary, conformity is sacrificing the self, and legacy is devoid of reciprocity, we throw our words into the void, without a true connection to others, without conversation. This is why love is the only healthy viable way. It is a connection so deep that two people become one, yet they are still two authentic beings.

This connection is based on the fact that love is an activity, not a passive phenomenon. This activity has three main attributes:

1. Giving - not giving through the expectation of receiving, and not giving out of a desire to be a martyr. Giving is not a sacrifice, but rather an indication of our power, of our richness, of our aliveness. It is he who gives which is rich, no matter how much money he has. But the greatest giving is not material but one of life. To give yourself entirely, your thoughts, your experiences, your joy, your anger and fear, every part of who you are. Giving
2. Responsibility - By giving life, we bring something to life, we not only increase the lifeness in another, but also grow something together, a connection between us. This connection is the expression of our giving, but also of our care. We become responsible for it. Therefore love is an act of care of another's wellbeing, and the duty we embrace for it. Responsibility
3. Respect - But if it was just a feeling of responsibility, it would become possessive and controlling. Truly caring for another is to have respect, to accept who they are and wish to see them grow to who they want to be. To strive for them to find their own path, develop their authenticity, be the makers of their identity. They are not a tool to be used for your own benefit. Respect
4. Independence - to be able to let the other grow in their own way, and for us to treat them as a person and not a tool, we need to remain independent. We can't lose ourselves in the act of loving, nor could we be able to give without being able to stand on our own first. Our identity cannot be dependent on the relationship, it feeds and being fed by it, but exists separately supporting independence.

Love, the Answer to the Problem of Human Existence

• Man can only go forward by developing his reason, by finding a new harmony, a human one, instead of the prehuman harmony which is irretrievably lost. (Location 110)
• The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety. (Location 118)
• The deepest need of man, then, is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness. (Location 131)
• From birth to death, from Monday to Monday, from morning to evening—all activities are routinized, and prefabricated. How should a man caught in this net of routine not forget that he is a man, a unique individual, one who is given only this one chance of living, with hopes and disappointments, with sorrow and fear, with the longing for love and the dread of the nothing and of separateness? (Location 226)
• The unity achieved in productive work is not interpersonal; the unity achieved in orgiastic fusion is transitory; the unity achieved by conformity is only pseudo-unity. Hence, they are only partial answers to the problem of existence. The full answer lies in the achievement of interpersonal union, of fusion with another person, in love. (Location 235)
• mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. (Location 270)
• Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving. (Location 289)
• Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness. (Location 301)
• Not he who has much is rich, but he who gives much. The hoarder who is anxiously worried about losing something is, psychologically speaking, the poor, impoverished man, regardless of how much he has. (Location 309)
• He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness—of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him. In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the other’s sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. (Location 317)
• In the act of giving something is born, and both persons involved are grateful for the life that is born for both of them. (Location 323)
• Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. (Location 342)
• Respect is not fear and awe; it denotes, in accordance with the root of the word (respicere = to look at), the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality. Respect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as he is. (Location 363)
• If I love the other person, I feel one with him or her, but with him as he is, not as I need him to be as an object for my use. (Location 366)
• The further we reach into the depth of our being, or someone else’s being, the more the goal of knowledge eludes us. Yet we cannot help desiring to penetrate into the secret of man’s soul, into the innermost nucleus which is “he.” (Location 380)
• The only way of full knowledge lies in the act of love: this act transcends thought, it transcends words. (Location 402)

Love between Parent and Child

A child starts from seeing love as something passive, they care only of being loved. However with time and proper guidance, they express their newly developed capabilities through care and love.

A child can receive two types of love, both with advantages and disadvantages:

1. Unconditional love - the love of the child simply because they exists, no matter what they do. The advantage is the sense of security, and the disadvantage is the helplessness of the child. If this love isn't given, there is nothing they can do to bring it to life.
2. Conditional love - to be loved for what they do, for who they are. The advantage is that is it love that gives guidance, that involves the child in it's development. The disadvantage is that it can brings obedience rather than authenticity.

A healthy child needs both.

Love between Parent and Child

• Infantile love follows the principle: “I love because I am loved.” Mature love follows the principle: “I am loved because I love.” Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.” (Location 517)

The Object of Love

To love is a matter of attitude, not object. It is not about "finding the right person", but rather having a perspective on life and human connection. To love means to support life wherever it is, to be a beacon of life, of care, responsibility and respect. While it is only natural that we are connected to some more than others and in different ways, such as sibling love, parental love, and romantic love, the common trait is that it is only a matter of how we treat others, not who they are. To love one, we must be able to love all, to develop the virtues within us that make us capable of loving.

Also it is worth noting that self love is very different from selfishness. To love oneself is essential to love others, it is one and the same, since it stems from care about others and their wellbeing, so it makes no sense to not care about yourself as well. Selfishness however is about caring about a distorted version of yourself, one that is disconnected from others, it is to isolate yourself which is harmful to your wellbeing, which means selfishness is not love at all.

The Objects of Love

• Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one “object” of love. (Location 581)
• If I truly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life. (Location 589)
• The love for my own self is inseparably connected with the love for any other being. (Location 738)
• The affirmation of one’s own life, happiness, growth, freedom is rooted in one’s capacity to love, (Location 751)
• It is true that selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either. (Location 764)
• “If you love yourself, you love everybody else as you do yourself. (Location 788)

Love and It's Disintegration in Contemporary Western Society

Capitalism has changed the way we perceive love, and since the culture around love is highly influential on the personal view. The economic ideology has commodified love, turning it into a matter of transaction, a reciprocal trade of goods between partners, until a better alternative arrives. Meanwhile, the nature of work has alienated us from our work, from others, and even in our free time we have been reduced to view happiness as "having fun", as being numb while watching movies and tv Hedonism. We don't only treat others as objects, but also ourselves.

Economics is just one example of a contributor to "pseudo love" shallow copy. Any time we treat the other as an object for our needs, whether consciously or not is such fake love. For example when we use them for sexual gains only, as a replacement for parental figure, when we search for an unrealistic idol, or when we are looking for someone to control or to control us.

True love is only when the two sides communicate for the core of their identity, of their existence. When they share everything, their joy and sadness, their highs and lows. Love can't be a journey of only happiness, conflicts can't be rushed or avoided, relationships take time and effort.

Love and Its Disintegration in Contemporary Western Society

• Love is not the result of adequate sexual satisfaction, but sexual happiness—even the knowledge of the so-called sexual technique—is the result of love. (Location 1093)
• Love as mutual sexual satisfaction, and love as “teamwork” and as a haven from aloneness, are the two “normal” forms of the disintegration of love in modern Western society, (Location 1155)
• Only in this “central experience” is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love. Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing, working together; even whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two people experience themselves from the essence of their existence, that they are one with each other by being one with themselves, rather than by fleeing from themselves. (Location 1268)

The Practice of Love

To be good at something usually requires a variety of skills, some unrelated to the main art. For example, to be a good archer, one must learn to breath. Art requires the totality of ourselves, our complete dedication. Therefore, to be good at any art, requires a set of key virtues, these are:

1. Self Dicipline
2. mindfulness
3. Patience
4. Self-awareness

Love, as a specific art, requires additional virtues in order to break free from the risks of narcissism:

1. Humility
2. Objectivism
3. Proactiveness
4. Rational faith - the unwavering belief in the persistence of our identity and our partner, Leap Into Faith that this connection will outlast many changes that will happen to who we are, what we think and believe. That in the end, there will be an "I" and "they" that will stay together. To give love in the hopes, without any guarantee, that we will receive love back

The Practice of Love

• With regard to the art of loving, this means that anyone who aspires to become a master in this art must begin by practicing discipline, concentration and patience throughout every phase of his life. (Location 1350)
• To be concentrated means to live fully in the present, in the here and now, and not to think of the next thing to be done, while I am doing something right now. (Location 1396)
• love being dependent on the relative absence of narcissism, it requires the development of humility, objectivity and reason. (Location 1470)
• “Having faith” in another person means to be certain of the reliability and unchangeability of his fundamental attitudes, of the core of his personality, of his love. By this I do not mean that a person may not change his opinions, but that his basic motivations remain the same; that, for instance, his respect for life and human dignity is part of himself, not subject to change. (Location 1502)
• To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern—and to take the jump and stake everything on these values. (Location 1543)
• To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. (Location 1558)
• The capacity to love demands a state of intensity, awakeness, enhanced vitality, which can only be the result of a productive and active orientation in many other spheres of life. (Location 1572)