The Amen Effect
✒️ Note-Making
🔗Connect
⬆️Topic:: Communication (MOC)
💡Clarify
🔈 Summary of main ideas
- You are not alone - in your pain, in your loneliness, you are not alone. We should be seen by others, exposing our vulnerability and pain. Sharing it with our close, strong relationships, people who care. They won't take the pain away, but it will make it more bearable. We have to show up, be their in the good and bad moments of life.
- Default to kindness - we are all created in image of God, we all deserve respect and kindness. Even when we don't agree with someone, we should approach with curiosity and desire to actually listen.
- Take care of yourself - even the helpers need help. Don't shy away from seeking help. Also, don't try just to please others and meet their expectations. You have your own calling, something that makes you feel alive, do that and both you and the world will be better for it.
🗒️Relate
⛓ by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book? We will have a stronger society, one that helps us get up when we are down, that supports one another, one of empathy, kindness and understanding
🔍Critique
✅ relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument
❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...
🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are... The "practice" section is short and shallow, and most of what we get is inspirational stories but not a lot of "how to implement it in my life"
🗨️Review
💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... This is a motivational book more than a practical one. I finish the book feeling energized, but with little to go with. Also there's a strong focus on Jewish traditions which is on the one hand nice as a way to get to know this religion, however since it is combined with "real life stories", there's little room for the "conclusion", diving deep to the logic behind the arguments.
🖼️Outline
📒 Notes
Introduction
Now more than ever, whether for religious people or not, we need to revive the feeling of "amen", the desire to connect with others and feel as one.
- That very human longing for connection—in our most intimate relationships, in community, with strangers, perhaps with God—is what I call the amen effect. (Location 133)
Show up
Our greatest strength as people is the power to show up, to empathize. It's easy when we are happy Happiness is shared,but it's even more important when we are hurt. Those who experience pain, even though they want to be alone, should be surrounded by the community, they should be seen, hugged, embraced, even when we have no words. Even if we don't know what it's like to be them, we help them walk the path of those who suffered.
It's our Mirror neurons that trigger this tendency to automatically share others feelings, in joy and in sadness.
The Jewish tradition is full of subtle ways of making a mourning person not be alone, from the Kadish, to the Shiva, they are "forced" to be with other people, it pushes them towards the community, for shared suffering and healing. Saying "amen" is like saying "we are here with you and we see you"
- when you’re suffering, when your loved one hovers between life and death, when you feel hemmed in by the darkness, when all you want is to self-isolate—because who would understand anyway?—you show up. You root your suffering in a context of care. (Location 254)
- It has taught me the transformative nature of showing up when we want to retreat, of listening deeply to each other’s pain even when we fear there are no words. Of grieving and rejoicing together, and recognizing that even though we can’t heal each other, we can and we must see each other. (Location 275)
- In our moments of greatest anguish, we are not alone. (Location 467)
Please, Hold on
Loneliness is a terrible illness, especially prevalent during the pandemic years. We all yearn for connection, and suffer the lack of it.
Life is chaotic enough that we know that pain is unavoidable. The question is whether we will have someone to share it with, to talk to us when we need to, to support us through hard times. Relationships
These should be deep relationships, built on mutual care and a shared purpose, not shallow ones.
- There are two important lessons here. First, you cannot escape the darkness. It’s part of the natural rhythm of the world. Second, perhaps the most important question we must answer in our lives is: When the night comes, who will sit and weep by your side? Who shares your worry? Who sees you? (Location 626)
- We all need an ezer k’negdo—someone to meet our vulnerability with concern and care, to weep with us through the night, and to stand with us in the trenches, working with love to build a better world. (Location 728)
See no Stranger
We were all created in the image of God, we are all worthy of compassion, of dignity, of appreciation and kindness. We are all endless unknown potential, we are wonders that should be preserved. Therefore we should treat each other accordingly.
- Every person holds endless potential—not only for the children they might bear, but for the ideas they might share or the art they might inspire, for the simple wonder of their lives. (Location 794)
Come Alive
We shouldn't wait for the world to demand something of us, nor for a sign or a wake up call. We are responsible for being ourselves, to come alive, to do what we were meant to do, to fullfil our potential and find our Life's Mission.
Don't be anybody else, you are not a copy.
- “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and then go and do that. (Location 984)
Grieve and Love
Although grieving is an inseparable part of life, we can't let it take away all of our joy. Life is both path and joy, and we should be such multitudes as well we contain multitude. We need to grieve, yet to move on, to feel the pain, yet not let it take over our lives. To have both funerals and weddings.
- even in the deepest suffering, there is still joy. To be alive is to see that this world overflows with blessings. Even here, even now. You grieve, and you live. (Location 1234)
- Recognizing the fragility of life, attending to one another’s grief, honoring each other’s broken hearts . . . this not only benefits the bereaved. When we’re willing to see pain, even destabilizing, anastrophic pain, and not run away, we all become more human. (Location 1334)
Hold the Healers
On the one hand, to be good supporters of others, we must experience pain ourselves. It is through the shared experience of suffering that we can truly connect on equal grounds. We have been there, we have felt what you felt, we know what it's like.
However, when we help others, it is if we transfer some of their pain into us. With time, this can cause either Burnout or Indifference as we try instinctively to protect ourselves from the pain. But, the only way to keep our health and sanity is to remember that even the helpers need help, that we too need to be listened and comforted.
- grief burrows deep into the body. If we fail to digest and release what we’ve absorbed, at some point we fill up with other people’s sorrow. (Location 1568)
Bear With-ness
We are not meant to fix other people, we shouldn't deny them of their suffering. We should be honest, kind, and just listen to them, to be with them in the pain, rather than trying to dispel the darkness.
- we don’t need to save someone who is suffering; we just need to accompany them. Sometimes the holiest work is not to pray them into the light, but instead to join them in the dark. (Location 1816)
Wonder
We have become more polarized than ever. tribalism has become a part of our social life,we see an erosion of empathy and understanding.
The only way to create a bridge, to narrow the gap is to approach with Humility and Curiosity, to really try and listen to the other side. It won't be a magical solution, but it's the only way forward.