The 5 Love Languages
🔗Connect
🔼Topic:: Communication (MOC) 🔼Topic:: Relationships
✒️ Note-Making
💡Clarify
🔈 Summary of main ideas
- People have different love languages - like an actual language, people communicate love differently, and when that happens we get miscommunication and frustration.
- Keep the love tank full - each of us have a "love tank" that symbolizes our deep need for love and affection, and when this tank is full we feel happy and satisfied, and the reverse when it is empty. Therefore the key to a happy marriage is to keep the love tank full
- Falling in love fades - at the beginning of any relationship we have the "in love" phase where we are obsessed over our partner, and see only the advantages. This feeling fades over time and then we have to face "reality"
- Love is a choice - When the "falling in love" phase fades, we have to acknowledge that love is a choice, it requires effort and will to sustain, it requires our dedication and attention, and while it sounds less "magical" than the falling in love phase, it is much more deep, truth and satisfying than it can ever be because it creates a real connection between two people.
- Speak your partner's love language - in order to keep your partner's love tank full, and increasing the odds of them to reciprocate, you have to find out what their love language is. See how they communicate, what they ask of you, what give them the most pleasure. Treat it as an experiment and work until you find the right ways to communicate your love to them.
🗒️Relate
⛓ Life lessons, action items
🔍Critique
✅ by following this method, what will happen? We would be able to communicate much better with our partner and have a more healthy and happy relationship
❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong... Having one main love language is often too much of a simplification.
🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...
🗨️Review
💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... The book is nice, not too long, and expresses the main ideas clearly. However, it is noticeable that there's not a lot of depth to the book, and even in it's short 200 pages it is hard to fill with meaningful content. However, I did like the combination of practical advices and reflective questions
🖼️Outline
📒 Notes
What Happens to Love after Marriage?
In many cases it fades because partners don't speak the same love language, we could be the same barrier as to traveling to another country without knowing it's native language. The first step is to familiarize yourself with your partner's native love language.
- People speak different love languages. (Location 112)
- If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate. In the area of love, it is similar. (Location 119)
- Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. (Location 135)
Keeping the Love Tank Full
We each have an emotional "love tank" within us that we need to have full in order to be joyful and functioning person. Leaving it empty is harmful for our mental wellbeing.
Relationships that are only transactional Commodification are lacking in filling this tank which causes problems and dissatisfaction in the relationship. These tanks can only be filled by using that person's love language
- Among those emotional needs, none is more basic than the need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. (Location 163)
- After we come down from the high of the “in-love” obsession, the emotional need for love resurfaces because it is fundamental to our nature. It is at the center of our emotional desires. We needed love before we “fell in love,” and we will need it as long as we live. (Location 183)
Falling in Love
At first, there's always the "in love" experience. A euphoric moment where love conquers all. They will have no problem, they will love each other forever, and the partner is perfect. Even if problems happen and love fades, it won't happen "to them", because their love "is unique". This is more a form of obsession that true love.
Usually two years after this situation fades, and the question remains whether to end the relationship and look for something new, or to settle for a mediocre relationship.
There is a third way, which is to find "real love" with the partner. One that is a unification of reason and emotion, made out of choice and discipline, requires effort and out of recognition that there's something to love in your partner.
It lacks the "fireworks" of the honeymoon period, but it is more real and deep that it can ever be. This kind of love can only begin ones the obsession fades.
- The bad information was the idea that the “in-love” obsession would last forever. We should have known better. (Location 281)
- The euphoria of the “in-love” state gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship. We feel that we belong to each other. We believe we can conquer all problems. (Location 289)
- Little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behavior patterns assert themselves. They are two individuals. Their minds have not melded together, and their emotions mingled only briefly in the ocean of love. (Location 301)
- We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. (Location 311)
- you too will find a sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the “in-love” experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the “in-love” experience has run its course. (Location 317)
- When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. (Location 339)
Words of Affirmation
Our verbal communication is one of the love languages, and we can use it in various ways:
- Compliments - by giving the partner compliments, especially expressing Gratitude for gestures is a great way to make their effort seen, and to increase their motivation to reciprocate.
- Encouragement - we can give words of encouragement to our partner to fulfill their potential. it requires Empathy to see through their eyes, but in the process we also give them external perspective that might be key to pursue their dream
- Kindness - we can express our love through kind words and tone. This is critical especially in moments of anger. If we give into harsh words, we bring up the past and make it part of our present, we don't allow us to change and grow. Mistakes will happen, we can't erase those, but we can forgive and move on. Forgivness is a choice, not an emotion, and sharing the difficulties together rather than "keeping score" is an expression of kindness and love
- Humble - love makes requests, not demand. To request is to acknowledge the value of the other side, which his agreement can be a sign of love and connection. Demands on the other side creates hierarchy, resentment, and a battle for control. Even if they respond, it is more an act of submission than love.
- Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. (Location 358)
- The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires. (Location 394)
- Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words. (Location 420)
- Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. (Location 431)
- The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, “A soft answer turns away anger.” (Location 448)
- Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. (Location 455)
- We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. (Location 467)
- Love makes requests, not demands. (Location 472)
- When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. (Location 484)
- possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. (Location 495)
Quality time
Quality time is time shared together, focused on each other and nothing else. To give your whole, undivided attention. So watching Netflix together doesn't count, but going on a trip, sitting on a bench and talking does.
An important aspect of quality time is usually conversations. In those, don't jump to offer solutions or advice, focus on Active Listening, on understanding and sharing your partner's feelings, on letting them speak their mind without interruption. It is the emotional connection that counts, not logical analysis. It is also expected to be a two way street. You have to share your feelings with the other side, to expose your true self, to be vulnerable Vulnerability.
At minimum, you should have a "minimum sharing requirements", where each side says 3 things that have happened to them that day. That way, we can incorporate enough flow of conversations between "dead seas" (those who prefer listening), and "babbling brooks" (those who prefer talking).
Quality time doesn't have to be an activity you both equally like, it is just have to be something one side is willing to do, when the main reason is sharing it together. You can alternate between who's preferred activity it is. While the best case is to have planned quality time together, such as weekends away or free up an evening, it's not always possible but we should learn to use the small moments during the day as well. We can send a funny photo, we can talk while doing house chores, etc. In the end, where we dedicate our time matters, and by dedicating time for our partner that means they are important to us. Yes, it's hard to do on a busy schedule, it requires planning and sacrifices, but we get a happy and healthy marriage in return.
- When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love. (Location 596)
- It isn’t enough to just be in the same room with someone. A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention, (Location 648)
- Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person. The activity in which we are both engaged is incidental. (Location 655)
- We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. (Location 693)
- emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life. (Location 746)
- One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. I call that the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage. (Location 774)
- The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together. (Location 793)
- where do we find time for such activities, especially if both of us have vocations outside the home? We make time, just as we make time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it is just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health. (Location 800)
Receiving Gifts
Gift are a token of love, a proof that you had thought about your partner and was willing to dedicate either time or resources or both. Doesn't have to be expensive, can be as simple as picking a flower while walking the park, to an all out vacation. These token give visual conformation of your love, like wedding rings, written cards, or other sentimental objects, the money is hardly the issue.
- It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. (Location 868)
- If the physical presence of your spouse is important to you, I urge you to verbalize that to your spouse. Don’t expect him to read your mind. (Location 940)
Acts of Service
Acts of service can also be seen as an expression of our love when we try to take care of our partner. This could be directly, for exampling giving them a massage or prepare a nice hot bath, but it can also be indirect, like doing house chores. Not all chores are created equal, our partner might not care about cleaning, so any act of cleaning the house won't be considered as an act of service. You have to figure out what your partner cares about. The peace of mind, the wellbeing, and the proactively in their day to day life that you give them by doing acts of service can be a true sign of love.
Physical touch
Physical touch can be a powerful source of love. As before, not all touches are created equal, and it is up to your partner to say which kinds of touch is acceptable and in which situation. Regardless, touch can be very comforting during moments of crisis, and it can be as small as holding hands while out shopping. Find those small opportunities on the day to day to be close to your partner, to give a hug, hold their hand, or even a message. Speak your love through your body as opposed to just words. non verbal communication
- By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her. (Location 1046)
- “No one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.” (Location 1127)
- People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive manner. (Location 1187)
- When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt (“If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me”) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (“You will do this or you will be sorry”) is alien to love. No person should ever be a doormat. (Location 1198)
Identifying Your Primary Love Language
Think about:
- What thing hurts you the most that your partner does or doesn't do
- What have you requested most from your partner?
- What is the main way in which you express your love?
Love is a Choice
As the title suggests, it's a choice to express your love through your partner's love language, which increases the odds of reciprocation, which will cause your love tanks to be full and have a healthy loving relationship.
- In a state of emotional contentment, both of us will give our creative energies to many wholesome projects outside the marriage while we continue to keep our marriage exciting and growing. (Location 1585)
Love Makes the Difference
Love gives us a sense of security, of meaning. It is the base on which we can rely on in good times and the bad. Knowing that you are loved helps us believe that we matter, that we have value.