Raising Resilience (book)

✒️ Note-Making

🔗Connect

⬆️Topic:: Parenting (MOC)

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Resilience is created through connection and acceptance, not trauma - Stressful moments don't lead to more resilience, they only separate between those who do and don't already have it. Resilience is created when a child has the emotional and physical safety net of their parents, knowing we support, accept and embrace them when times are tough, so that they could venture on by themselves after they get back up.
2. Parental relationship is an emotional umbilical cord - Until they reach full maturity, kids are incapable of growing on their own. Same as the umbilical cord in the womb, it is our responsibility to nurture their skills and independence until they will be ready to handle life's challenges themselves.
3. It's okay to mess up - It's not a matter of being the perfect parent, we have our issues to handle as well. It is better for our kid to see us falling down and getting back up, to be a role model for resilience rather than painting a fake picture of a perfect life. They learn that they can mess up too without it destroying our appreciation of them, their self worth or identity.
4. The parental tooltip - avoid shaming, gaslighting or micro-managing. Stand your ground with your boundaries, but let them choose freely within them, don't save them from their mistakes. Accept who they are, the good and the bad. Give structure to their experience, with routines, labeling their emotions, and helping them build their narrative.

🗒️Relate

⛓ by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book? We would help build resilience in our children, while also being more connected to them.

🔍Critique

✅ relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are... The examples are nice, but perhaps they needed to be included at the end as an appendix, because they are very forgettable once you finish the chapter

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... I feel like this book has only one argument to deliver, which is the idea of acceptance, and all the other parts are the sub components of it, it builds up to the final chapter, although by then we already know all that there is to know.

🖼️Outline

📒 Notes

Introduction

We mistakenly think that overcoming challenges builds our resilience. However, it only shows it. We build resilience through Showing up as a supportive parent, helping our children develop self-regulation tools that they will use in moments of crisis developing capabilities.

To do that, we can't parent from a top-down approach Micro-Management. We should be their Safe Base, like a harbor that allows them to move freely within its boundaries, to let them express themselves without fearing our reaction. We in turn must stay stable, and don't act without thinking.

There are five pillars for cultivating resilience:

1. Emotional safety
2. Self regulate
3. Deep connection
4. Boundaries alongside freedom
5. Validation without judgment

Introduction

• through this relationship, parents could help children build resilience proactively before the arrival of a crisis or traumatic experience. (Location 86)
• Instead of parenting from a top-down perspective, you create a relationship with your child that acts as both container and anchor. (Location 113)
• The containing relationship enables a child to learn how to manage intense, negative feelings because the child comes to know they are not alone. (Location 119)

The Roots of Resilience

The Opportunity during times of Uncertainty

Life is stressful, full of Uncertainty and change.

Challenges and changes are daunting and require a period of adjustment until we are back to emotional stability, but the key message is that we can all get there, we all have Neuroplasticity.

However, some things shorten the adjustment process and make it more bearable, these are:

1. Believing that we could overcome it
2. Ability to manage our emotions
3. Motivation to act
4. Seeking help and connection
5. Believing that we matter

It is not the quantity, but rather the quality of the connection with the parent that matters. That connection is like a social, neurological umbilical cord. The stronger it is, the more we can transfer important skills and emotional support to withstand stressful times.

We can always improve our connection to the child, and even small moments such as driving to school or eating dinner together can help strengthen it.

Without this connection, the children will be deprived, similar to malnourishment, which is worsened by the child's reaction that their emotions are not worth attention and should be quieted.

The Opportunity During Times of Uncertainty

• If we can support our children to benefit from positive responses during times of stress, we are setting them up to succeed in life. (Location 258)
• it is the quality of the interactions with their parents or guardians that matter most. (Location 299)
• what always mattered in terms of how well the child was doing was the quality of the relationship with their parent: the more solid the relationship, the more connected the parent, the better able the child was to adapt and adjust to the changing or stressful circumstances. Better adaptation meant greater building of resilience. (Location 313)
• If a child feels no one will respond to their need, it is adaptive to minimize their feelings as a means of self-protection. (Location 406)

The You Factor

We tend to project the way we were parented onto our children. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is mostly subconscious, and that's the problem. Without knowing what we do and why, we can't choose differently, which is even more critical when empotions are running high.

How we handle our emotions is highly correlated to how they handle them because they imitate us. That's also why we have to stop trying to be perfect. When we mess up, they can learn how to get back up, instead of being trapped in a (fake) bubble of a perfect life where nothing goes wrong. Strive for good enough and Repair

The You Factor

• Underlying our ability to respond in helpful ways to any situation with our children taps into our own capacity to be flexible—not (Location 641)
• striving for perfection is not only unrealistic, it also robs your child of an opportunity to build resilience. (Location 699)

The Five Pillars of Your Child's Resilience

The Safety Net

In order for the child to go out into the world, explore their curiosity and learn new things, they have to feel that they stand on stable ground Maslows pyramid.

We can provide that stable ground by constantly validating their emotions, accepting them, and expressing our love and support no matter what happens. With time, they internalize these messages which become part of their narravtive. They believe that they are loved, that they are valued, and have self-worth, and that they have the support they need to go out into the world.

Routines are useful not just for bringing order and clarity to your day, they also provide valuable touch points where you can practice being their safety net, to show that you care and love them. Even in small moments like meals or getting dressed, although having a dedicated 1o1 is the best.

Another method is by providing narratives for important events in their lives, and even on the daily plan. A narrative helps them make sense of what is happening and where they fit in in all of this. With time it helps them develop Cognitive Distancing which allows them to separate the external world from the internal one. For example, a child who sees his parents arguing will blame themselves and perhaps misjudge what's going on until their parents will explain it. Complicated events are hard to digest and easy to misinterpret through bad judgment or partial viewpoint. We need to help our children see the whole picture in a clear, easy way.

Lastly, we need to repair the damage we cause in moments of anger, frustration, or lack of focus. It starts by addressing what happened, validating your child's feelings and your own (that you still love and support them if necessary), and then talking about what can be done to avoid such cases in the future.

The Safety Net

• When a child feels safe and trusts you, they are more likely to trust themselves to approach the world with curiosity, explore and test themselves, and build a strong sense of self that is agile and resilient. (Location 798)
• What really matters is not the disconnecting incident, the disrupted routine, or the content of the conflict or upset; what matters is how you repair and reconnect with your child, and it’s up to you to initiate. (Location 1017)
• Children benefit from explicit explanations, so they don’t fill in the blanks in a self-blaming or otherwise harmful way. (Location 1039)

The Balance Principle

Kids learn to self-regulate by experiencing high levels of emotions and then returning back to balance. If we protect them from these emotions, they will never know how to handle tough times.

Similarly, we can't delete these feelings, Gaslighting or authority will only backfire. We have to accept their emotions. Together, we can help them learn how to self-regulate through co-regulation, using our connection as an anchor.

We mustn't get caught up in their emotions, we must remain calm through it all.

When an event starts, remain and project calmness. Use physical language like hugs to calm them down, practice slow deep breaths, then try to label their feelings and focus on the senses (what they hear, see, touch) to ground them back from their disconnected stressful episode. A comforting environment or a toy can go a long way. Remember that most often they need someone who listens, not problem-solving Dont Jump to the Rescue

Stressors can come in many ways, as little as missing the bus, and as big as moving to a new place or having a sibling.

Low levels of stress are good for our resilience, like developing muscle, but too much is harmful, so be careful of chronic stress like poverty, arguing, and problems at school.

The Balance Principle

• Strong emotions—especially the negative ones—are not only natural but also necessary to becoming a well-adjusted person. Avoiding, dismissing, or burying these feelings will only cause pain by forcing their feelings to fester inside, halting your child’s development and otherwise interfering with their personal growth. (Location 1140)
• Teaching children that they have the capacity to deal with such stressors will lead them to internalize a sense of agency and give them feelings of control over their own experience, a core building block of resilience. (Location 1450)
• We don’t always realize that being a trusted listener is what our child wants most. (Location 1482)

The Freedom Trail

Agency is critical for the child's development. Paradoxically, a child develops their sense of agency by having clear Boundaries parental rules. We as parents have the responsibility of marking the boundary of what's allowed and not allowed so that the child can move freely as they see fit within these boundaries, knowing that they are safe and that we have their back.

Boundaries are not easily accepted, they don't have to like them, and we will likely get Reactance in return. That doesn't mean we should remove them, nor should we discourage them from resisting. Pushing boundaries is part of developing their agency and thinking capacity.

Boundaries are also important as a way to build Trust. When a child follows the parents' rules, it shows them that they can trust their child, which should lead with time to increasing the child's freedom and lowering the restrictions.

Even though they constantly ask for more freedom, that doesn't mean it will be easy for them. Increased independence is a stressor of its own, so we should be supportive in those cases.

Part of developing agency is having the freedom to make mistakes and face their consequences. When we save or do things for them, we encourage a Fixed Mindset, while letting them try, fail and try again helps develop a Growth Mindset

Even participation in house chores is an opportunity to develop their independence and skills.

We must avoid Shaming our kids as it hurts their growth. Even if it's "behind their back". Don't say things like "act your age" or "you're a big boy now", make fun, belittle, or criticize them.

The Freedom Trail

• when you have reasonable limits, children are allowed to not like them, much less lovingly embrace them. (Location 1714)
• When we give them the space to figure out things for themselves or get back up after falling, we signal our trust and belief in our children. (Location 1827)

The Power of Connection

It's important to show our kids that we should ask and receive help from others, we are wired to connect with others. Seeking help is the first step to understanding others, and helping us better understand ourselves through a social lens mindsight. It helps us see differences and similarities with others, strengthening social connections and empathy through the skill of perspective-taking

We can help our child develop social skills through:

1. Role-playing scenarios
2. Being a role model for good communication, neighbors or community members
3. Setting up social gatherings and play dates
4. Talking about difficult social events (either after they happened, or before a known one)

Remember that in friendships, it's quality over quantity. Also, they will be much more resistant to peer pressure, if you provide them with the opportunity to stand up for themselves which means that arguing with you is actually a good thing. If they learn to obey you without question, they also don't question their peers

The Power of Connection

• Children are trying to determine who they are in the context of others, which promotes understanding of others as well as a growing self-awareness. (Location 2092)

The Gift of Acceptance

Everyone wants to be understood, but it begins with understanding and loving ourselves, all of our sides, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and forgiving ourselves when we are not being our best selves.

When we show them how much we accept them for who they are, for all they are without judgment or shame, they will be able to believe the same about themselves. We are their cheerleaders, we value them, and we trust them. Our love for them is unconditional of their achievements, otherwise, they will become their own critic.

We support them or their journey, not ours. We respect their pace and understand that the challenges they face are difficult for them. We would also be tested, by our fears, biases, or prejudice. Our patience and resolve will be measured by how much we can maintain this support despite their choices and life circumstances.

Self-acceptance is also a form of self-care, we have to take care of our bodies, sleeping well, moving, being outside, playing.

Gratitude, volunteering, and mindfulness are ways to improve acceptance through connecting with others.

The Gift of Acceptance

• loving oneself is about becoming aware of and learning to accept both their positive qualities and their less-than-stellar attributes. (Location 2447)
• The culmination of these pillars comes to fruition when you consciously and knowingly accept your child for who they are, without judgment or shame; by embracing their differences and complexities, you enable your child to embrace themselves with confidence, respect, and the understanding that they matter. (Location 2461)
• The biggest gift we can give our children is a genuine and radical acceptance of who they are, (Location 2903)