No-Drama Discipline

✒️ Note-Making

🔗Connect

🔼Topic:: parental rules 🔼Topic:: developing capabilities

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Discipline is about teaching - when we discipline, the goal should be to develop the skills necessary to make future cases less likely, by helping them learn empathy, delay gratification, emotional resilience and good decision making.
2. Learn through experiences - no amount of lecturing or random punishments can teach them to be better. People (and children) learn through experience (and consequences). It is when they feel guilt over their actions, when they notice how others feel, and when they attempt at repair, that they are able to internalize and do better next time.
3. Development takes time and patience - It's hard for adults to maintain composure all the time, let alone children that are low on experience and have yet to develop the mental capabilities to do so. Therefore we must hold back our default response, and approach cases of misbehavior with empathy, understanding and compassion, remembering that's it's more likely that they can't behave well, rather than won't.
4. Connection first - no "lesson" can be learned while the emotions are running high. To help them go from reactive to receptive, we need first to connect with them, to validate their emotions, to embrace them, not to lecture, belittle or gaslight them and especially not to lash out at them. A warm "I know you're hurt buddy" and a hug is a good place to start.
5. Engage their upper brain - Once we have calmed them down, we shouldn't settle for solving the immediate crisis, but rather use the opportunity to help them develop important skills. This is done through "redirecting", through engaging their upper brain, the part capable of empathy, of complex reasoning and mindfulness. By asking them open ended questions, by directing them towards understanding how they and others feel, through asking them to come up with solutions to act better next time, we help them develop a capable mind.

🗒️Relate

⛓ by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book?

1. Happy, resilient, capable kids - A child that has a developed "upper brain", that is more integrated, mindful and empathic is a child that is much more capable of facing the challenges that are waiting for them as ground ups, and will not only overcome but by able to do so happily.
2. More cooperation and less misbehavior in the long run - Having a discipline method that is focused on developing necessary skills is beneficial in the long run, since it reduces the chance for misbehavior because they child is better at self regulating, but also in the short run we are more likely to elicit cooperation from the child.

🔍Critique

✅ relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument

1. Why what how questions - before reacting, ask yourself "why is my child acting this way", "what do I want to teach them", and "how can I deliver the right message"
2. Can't vs won't - is my child acting this way because he won't follow the rules, or because he can't?
3. Connect and redirect - every discipline moment is made up first of connection, of calming them down, of being there for them, of converting them from reactive to receptive, and being perceived as someone who is on their side. The second part is the "redirect", the "educational" moment when we help them develop the necessary skills.
4. Engage don't enrage - Don't be confrontational, because you will get what you send. Threats, anger and ultimatums trigger the primal "downstairs" brain, while connecting, compassion and empathy trigger the upstairs brain, which is what you want to develop.
5. Mindsight - We want to encourage the ability to read one's own emotions, and the emotions of others. When we have both, it is called "mindsight"

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are...

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... This book is a deep dive on the technical parts of the The Whole-Brain Child (book), but it offers less depth than expected. While there are some more practical ideas, it is highly repetitive and didn't have enough content for a whole book.

As always, I do like the drawings, the cheat sheets, they are a helpful reminder.

🖼️Outline

📒 Notes

Relational Low Drama Discipline

encouraging cooperation while building a child's brain

When we discipline our children, the goal is always to inform and direct, never to punish. On the short term, we wish to enlist cooperation, to either stop a bad behavior or encourage a good one. On the long term, we wish to develop skills to help them make better decisions by themselves later in life, to help them become capable adults.

The key is that we can do all this, have a "no drama" discipline, one that is supportive yet still has boundaries in a way that promotes development using the whole brain approach. We can implement that using the connect and redirect approach. By connecting we mean that we Respect them enough to truly listen to them, to be there for them no matter what they did or said, even if we don't agree with it. However it shouldn't end here, otherwise we get permissiveness, which is counterproductive to a child's development. Their development comes with the added "direct", which is to present to them the clear boundaries and limits we pose that will help them understand how the world works, and what are the consequences of their actions. That's why punishment is often counterproductive as well, because it is aimed at causing pain, and unrelated to the "offence" they did. However, redirection doesn't work while there are experiencing emotional hijacking, first we need to help them deal with their emotions, and only after we can direct them towards a better solution. The connect and redirect addresses their mind as a whole, therefore promoting using their whole brain, making more internal connections, and allowing for Self-control empathy, and emotional resilience

Relational, Low-Drama Discipline:

• You really can discipline in a way that’s full of respect and nurturing, but that also maintains clear and consistent boundaries. (Location 68)
• Punishment might shut down a behavior in the short term, but teaching offers skills that last a lifetime. (Location 106)
• every child is different, and no parenting approach or strategy will work every time. (Location 127)
• Effective discipline means that we’re not only stopping a bad behavior or promoting a good one, but also teaching skills and nurturing the connections in our children’s brains that will help them make better decisions and handle themselves well in the future. (Location 150)
• Connection means that we give our kids our attention, that we respect them enough to listen to them, that we value their contribution to problem solving, and that we communicate to them that we’re on their side—whether we like the way they’re acting or not. (Location 177)
• Part of truly loving our kids, and giving them what they need, means offering them clear and consistent boundaries, creating predictable structure in their lives, as well as having high expectations for them. (Location 184)
• Our children need repeated experiences that allow them to develop wiring in their brain that helps them delay gratification, contain urges to react aggressively toward others, and flexibly deal with not getting their way. The absence of limits and boundaries is actually quite stressful, and stressed kids are more reactive. (Location 188)
• deep, empathic connection can and should be combined with clear and firm boundaries that create needed structure in children’s lives. (Location 192)

Rethinking Discipline

We should try to avoid reacting to our child's misbehavior. Especially when we are tired and stress our default response would be less than ideal. We need to Pause and ask ourselves three questions:

1. Why - why did they act that way? What is causing it? What is their goal?
2. What - what do I want to teach them, what skills are relevant in this situation?
3. How - how will I deliver this message considering the situation and the child's development level.

It's not easy to stop and ask ourselves these questions, but they will guide us towards a better response that will give us better results in the short and long term.

Note that what works now won't necessarily work on a different kid, nor on the same kid in a different time or context, so adaptability is key.

We also have to remember the difference between cant and wont. Young children are bad at regulating their emotions (even we have a hard time to act stoically when hungry or tired), so their outbursts are because they can't handle their emotions, not because they choose to.

Spanking is never a good strategy because it damages the trust between the child and the caregiver, it puts them in a "fight or flight" response instead of activating their upstairs brain which is what helps them develop the necessary skills, and works as an external motivation (how can I avoid this punishment) instead of internal motivation (how can I learn to self regulate)

Time outs have a similar drawback. They send of message of "i can only be with you when you are happy", and we miss an opportunity to Repair. It is only through experiences that we can help them develop a mind capable of making good decisions, and time outs rarely allow us to do that. They are more a form of punishment than educational.

ReTHINKING Discipline

• Our kids don’t usually lash out at us because they’re simply rude, or because we’re failures as parents. They usually lash out because they don’t yet have the capacity to regulate their emotional states and control their impulses. (Location 340)
• Sometimes we assume that our kids won’t behave the way we want them to, when in reality, they simply can’t, at least not in this particular moment. (Location 429)
• The more compassion you can have for yourself, the more compassion you can have for your child. (Location 633)

Your Brain on Discipline

A few important facts about brain development that will help us approach our kids with more compassion and understanding:

1. Development takes time - the upstairs brain, the part in charge of all the higher order thinking like critical thinking, decision making, empathy, is all still understand construction and won't be fully developed until the twenties. It isn't an excuse for bad behavior, but it is a reason for it, and that's why they need our help on this journey.
2. The brain is changeable - not only it develops with time, it is also develops with experience neuroplasticity, meaning that what we expose them to, how we interact with them and how they process the events will significantly alter their brain. Neurons that fire together are wired together. Like piano lessons that improve hand coordination. It's not that we wish for them to avoid challenges and hardships, but we do need to help them process it to switch it from potential trauma to a learning experience.
3. Engage, don't enrage - the more we approach the situation with ultimatums and threats, the more we enrage the "downstairs" brain, and the reactions will be accordingly. These are the "fight or flight" type of responses, the simplistic, often aggressive sort of solutions the amygdala can offer. Instead, if we calm down the downstairs brain by connecting, and then engaging with the upstairs brain, we can get much more calm, compassionate and moral responses. It's important to remember that upstairs and downstairs modes of thinking are Mutually Exclusive, so the more we engage with the upstairs, the less rageful responses we would get, and in turn the upstairs brain will develop much faster learning by doing.

Therefore no-drama discipline is more than just a discipline tool, it is a way to develop their brain. By connecting with them and engaging their upstairs brain, we help them develop the skills that we all wish to see in our children, the ability to be empathic, moral, to have self control and make good decisions. It is not easy, and it is certainly not our default response to tough situations. It's feels "easier" to just say no, or to immediately give in, but what is really easier in the long run is to do both simultaneously. Have the "softness" of understanding where they are coming from, and the compassion to find a way to say "yes" to their request, while having the boundaries they need to learn those skills. So a "no" could be converted to a "yes, if" or "yes when" "but not right now"

Your Brain on Discipline

• The upstairs brain, though, which is responsible for more sophisticated and complex thinking, is undeveloped at birth and begins to grow during infancy and childhood. (Location 671)
• as we’d like for our kids to consistently behave as if they were fully developed, conscientious adults, with reliably functioning logic, emotional balance, and morality, they just can’t yet when they are young. At least not all the time. (Location 689)
• a child’s brain is changing and developing, so we need to temper our expectations and understand that emotional and behavioral challenges are simply par for the course. (Location 735)
• the brain is not only changing—it develops over time—but changeable—it can be molded intentionally by experience. (Location 740)
• We cannot, nor would we want to, protect or rescue our kids from all adversity and negative experiences. These challenging experiences are an important part of growing up and developing resilience, along with acquiring internal skills needed to cope with stress and failure and to respond with flexibility. (Location 796)
• “I’m with you. I’ve got your back. Even when you’re at your worst and I don’t like the way you’re acting, I love you, and I’m here for you. I understand you’re having a hard time, and I am here.” (Location 938)
• The way we interact with our kids when they’re upset significantly affects how their brains develop, and therefore what kind of people they are, both today and in the years to come. (Location 959)
• every time our children misbehave, they give us an opportunity to understand them better, and get a better sense of what they need help learning. (Location 1029)

From Tantrum to Tranquility: Connection is the Key

First, the more we can be proactive about discipline, the fewer meltdowns we will have. We can sometimes notice signals of an incoming tantrum, and stop it before it escalates. It's useful to ask yourself, "is my kid":

1. Hungry
2. Angry
3. Lonely
4. Tired

These four emotional states can often trigger a tantrum, and could be easily solved (by giving a snack, for example).

When a tantrum does start, remember that connection comes first. Connection is the most important step because:

1. it shifts them from a reactive state to a receptive state
2. it helps them integrate their upstairs and downstairs brain
3. it strengthens their relations to others (to you), and promotes empathy

Ignoring tantrums is a bad strategy because it's precisely in those moments that our child is hurting and needs us the most. Connection will not only lead to solving the crisis faster, but more importantly it will help our child from being overwhelmed with feelings.

Note that connecting with our child, even at their "worst" is not spoiling them. Showing them love and care, letting them know that we can take care of their needs builds connection, confidence and reduces stress. "Spoiling" happens when it's not about having their needs met, but rather answering to their every whim immediately. And it gets worse when we answer their wants instead of their needs. For example if we buy too much presents instead of spending quality time together. We need the clarity to distinguish between wants and needs.

Things we should not "spare" our children from (that can make them spoiled):

1. Limiting presents - kids should learn to Delay Gratification, and that happens only when they don't get everything they won't immediately
2. Facing challenges - Dont Jump to the Rescue, it is through these difficulties moments that our child builds it skills and character, although this doesn't mean we won't be there to help them get through the experience, but we won't help them avoid it
3. Limits and boundaries - connection could and should be combined with boundaries. Once we established connection, it is through the redirect that we can teach them valuable lessons. To let them let loose without doing anything is harmful for their development

From Tantrum to Tranquility: Connection Is the Key

• it’s when our kids are most upset that they need us the most. (Location 1131)
• Connection, in other words, moves them out of a reactive state and into a state where they can be more receptive to the lesson we want to teach and to the healthy interactions we want to share with them. (Location 1139)
• connection strengthens the connective fibers between the upstairs and downstairs brain so that the higher parts of the brain can more effectively communicate with and override the lower, more primitive impulses. (Location 1229)
• connection should be our first response in virtually any disciplinary situation. (Location 1256)
• We suggest that parents view a tantrum not merely as an unpleasant experience they have to learn to get through, manage for their own benefit, or stop as soon as possible at all costs, but instead as a plea for help—as another opportunity to make a child feel safe and loved. (Location 1302)
• Spoiling is not about how much love and time and attention you give your kids. You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself. In the same way, you can’t spoil a baby by holding her too much or responding to her needs each time she expresses them. (Location 1345)
• Responding to and soothing a child does not spoil her—but not responding to or soothing her creates a child who is insecurely attached and anxious. (Location 1348)
• Spoiling can of course occur when we give our kids too much stuff, spend too much money on them, or say yes all the time. But it also occurs when we give children the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims. (Location 1357)
• you can’t spoil a child by giving him too much emotional connection, attention, physical affection, or love. When our children need us, we need to be there for them. (Location 1387)
• kids need us to set boundaries and communicate our expectations. But the key here is that all discipline should begin by nurturing our children and attuning to their internal world, allowing them to know that they are seen, heard, and loved by their parents—even when they’ve done something wrong. (Location 1447)

No Drama Connection in Action

We all want to jump quickly to the redirect part, but as we've seen, we first have to connect. Connection requires flexibility since it is deeply dependent on the circumstances and how they interact with our child right now. This requires us to pause before we react, because the best reaction is hardly the first that comes to our mind.

Some techniques to be more flexible:

1. Stop the shark music - when it comes to our children, we tend to over dramatize the consequences of this situation. One bad report grade and we're already thinking about how their future is in danger. This is a form of Judgment driven by fear. Our default is to add "shark music" as a soundtrack to our interactions that paints every scene as a horror movie. The only way to reduce it's effect is to be mindful of the present moment, no thoughts about anything else. Focus on how they feel right now, what is actually happening and how can you react in a calm, clear headed way.
2. Chase the why - don't be quick to make assumptions. Be curious as to what really happened and why. You'll be surprised how often our initial assumptions are wrong. Also, when we are quick to assume we distort the reality to match our assumptions, rather than the other way around. subjective reality. When we are curious as default, we can gain valuable information on what really happened and why, which can help us a form a much better and effective response.
3. Think about the how - the tone, body language and general way we interact with them matters, not just what we say. A calm, compassionate response will often fair much better than a stressed angry response

A good framework for connection can include these four steps:

1. Communicate comfort - first we need to help them clam down, and to signal that we are not there to threaten but rather support them. (We are not your rival, we will help you get through this). Going down to their eye level (or below), adding a gentle touch, a hug, or any expression of love and car e is very effective.
2. Validate - It's all about validation, to recognize, empathize, and resonate with them. To acknowledge their feelings instead of Gaslighting them or shutting them down. To say things like "I know it hurts" or "You must be really sad". To send a message that we will be with them no matter what, even if we don't agree with their choices, that we can handle their emotions and that we understand them.
3. Listen - talk less, listen more. When feelings are high, it's not a time for a lecture, or to try and "correct" her world view. It's time to focus on the subtext behind what they're saying or expressing, to really get them.
4. Reflect - once we understood what they are going through, we need to reflect it back to them to show that we understand, like "I know you really wanted to go to the party, it feels really bed to be left out". Be careful to not "put ideas" in their head. Like saying "you must really hate your brother" would convert the momentary anger to a permanent state.

No-Drama Connection in Action

• Response flexibility helps you choose to be your wisest self possible in a difficult moment with your child, so that connection can occur. (Location 1506)
• Response flexibility means you’re making a point to decide how you want to respond to each situation that arises, rather than simply reacting without thinking about it. (Location 1521)
• When dealing with our children, it’s dangerous to theorize before we have data. Instead, we need to be curious. We need to “chase the why.” (Location 1610)
• When your child (or your partner!) is feeling upset, a loving touch can calm things down and help you two connect, even during moments of high stress. (Location 1691)
• we need to let our kids know that we hear them. That we understand. That we get it. Whether or not we like the behavior that results from their feelings, we want them to feel acknowledged and sense that we’re with them in the middle of all those big feelings. (Location 1755)
• Validation doesn’t mean allowing someone to get hurt or property to be destroyed. You’re not endorsing bad behavior when you identify with your child’s emotions. You’re attuning to him. (Location 1813)
• When she’s hurt, angry, or disappointed, the logical part of her upstairs brain isn’t fully functioning. That means a linguistic appeal to reason isn’t usually going to be your best bet for helping her gain control over her emotions and calm herself. (Location 1826)
• 1-2-3 Discipline: Redirecting for Today, and for Tomorrow (Location 1884)
• the aversive feelings that naturally arise within a child when she does something that violates her inner conscience can be very fleeting in her conscious mind. But when we help her become aware of these sensations and emotions, they can become the important basis for ethics and self-control. (Location 1986)
• we need to create an environment that helps them move into a state of mind that’s calm, alert, and receptive. That’s the sweet spot where learning really takes place. That’s the moment they’re ready to learn. (Location 2020)
• the more we give our kids practice at considering how someone else feels or experiences a situation, the more empathic and caring they will become. (Location 2141)

1-2-3 Discipline: Redirecting for Today and Tomorrow

Remember the discipline is all about teaching, meaning not only to solve the situation at hand, but help them develop their brains and make better choices in the future. That's the goal of "redirecting", where we shift the attention towards how others felt about their actions, what were their consequences, and what they can do better next time. It works best if we use open ended questions, that triggers the child's creative thinking, instead of telling them what to do or when we forcefully guild them towards a specific decision.

The redirecting would often surface feelings of guilt, and we should not protect or distract our child from it, this is precisely the moment of learning, where we utilize the natural reactions of the mind (to feel guilt for something "bad" you've done), to help them internalize their behavior and what to do next time. Without guidance, this feeling might be missed, it is our role to make them aware of it, and help them utilize it.

Remember that:

1. Wait until ready - There's no point in redirecting if the child is over aroused (emotions are running wild), or under aroused (tired, hungry). We have to wait until they are ready to listen and learn, which often comes after connecting.
2. Be consistent, yet not rigid - It is important to be consistent with our limits, but we should always consider the context. For example, if the grandparents came for a visit, perhaps now is not the right time to stick with the homework schedule.

The benefits of redirecting are:

1. Insights - Aka Self-awareness. To be mindful of one's emotional state and the ability to pause, reflect and choose how to respond.
2. Empathy - They become more aware of the feelings of others, which would allow them to be more respectful and think in advance on others' reactions to their decisions.
3. Repair - once we "learned the lesson", we can help them suggest a solution to the problem, while also considering what can be done now to repair the situation, for example to apologize. We shouldn't force them to apologize or to say something, this should come from them. However, we can suggest that you do it together, it is the thought that counts.

Addressing Behavior: As Simple as R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T

• Your job is to be the adult in the relationship and carry on as the parent, as a safe, calm haven in the emotional storm. How you respond to your child’s behavior will greatly impact how the whole scene unfolds. (Location 2295)
• when we deny our kids’ feelings, minimize them, or try to distract our kids from them, we prime them to be easily dysregulated again, and to feel disconnected from us, which means they’ll operate in a heightened state of agitation and be much more likely to fall apart, or shut down emotionally, when things don’t go their way. (Location 2396)
• compromise isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s evidence of respect for your child and his desires. In addition, it gives him an opportunity for some pretty complex thinking, equipping him with important skills about considering not only what he wants, but also what others want, and then making good arguments based on that information. (Location 2570)

Addressing Behavior: as Simple as R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T

Strategies for better redirection:

1. Reduce words - Don't overtalk, causing them to lose focus. Also when you overtalk you surround the important message with a lot of noise, so they might remember the unessential things, or nothing at all.
2. Embrace emotions - It's okay to experience a range of emotions, sometimes they just "happen", and that doesn't turn them into bad/good emotions. It is what we choose to do with the emotions that turns a behavior to okay/not okay. We need to validate their emotions, while also talking about healthy ways of expressing them.
3. Describe, don't preach - Let go of judgment. Describe what's happening as a neutral outside observer. Instead of "you need to share the toy", say "it seems Johnny wants to play with this toy too"
4. Involve your child in the discipline - Instead of telling them your idea of a solution, or force it on them, let them come up with an idea on how to solve it or do it better next time. When they are more involved, it is more likely to stick, and you'll be surprised how often they come up with better solutions.
5. Reframe a no into a conditional yes - Instead of saying just "no", when turns them into the "reactive" state, try to turn it into a conditional yes. For example, instead of "can we read a book now? no", say "we will have more time to read tomorrow". Also, it gives them the opportunity to debate and build arguments, which is a useful upper brain skill.
6. Emphasize the positive - Verbally acknowledge good behavior, and direct them towards a positive solution instead of a negative reaction. Convert "don't do that" to "You can do this instead"
7. Creatively approach the situation - often being playful in our attitude instead of "technical" or "practical" can help us achieve cooperation much better.
8. Teach mindsight tools - To be able to process feelings, especially "in the moment", we need to be able to switch from the "player" perspective to the "observer". To notice, to be mindful of our feelings and what can we do about them.

Conclusion

Some calming messages for us as parents:

1. sometimes there's nothing you can do - not every situation can be easily calmed down and solved. Sometimes we just have to let them vent and wether the storm
2. Everyone makes mistakes - we won't always be the perfect parents, but even these moments can be valuable. They will show our kids that we are also human, also overwhelmed by emotions sometimes, and that's okay to make mistakes, but the most important is that we can repair
3. You can always repair - after we didn't act our best, it is important that we try to repair, to apologize, to make things right again. This is how we shift sub optimal moments into learning experiences.

CONCLUSION

• sometimes there’s just nothing we can do to “fix” things when our kids are having a hard time. We can work to stay calm and loving. We can be fully present. We can access the full measure of our creativity. And still, we may not be able to make things better right away. (Location 2807)