Give and Take (book)

🔗Connect

🔼Topic:: Success (MOC) 🔼Topic:: Giving 🔼Topic:: Wellbeing (MOC)

✒️ Note-Making

💡Clarify

🔈 Summary of main ideas

1. Success is all about giving - Givers who are those who actually succeed, the more they combine between their personal and the common interest, and give without expecting a reward. in our rapidly connected world, its easier for givers to build connections and trust, and thus succeed faster.
2. Connections:
   1. giving makes it easier to create weak ties.
   2. Givers are better managers because they are "genius makers", the help fulfill the employees potential. They don't fear failure and feedback.
   3. They communicate better because they are more authentic and don't have negative ulterior motives
3. Don't neglect yourself - Givers who give everything unconditionally all the time will burnout and be miserable. Dedicate time and energy for your wellbeing, remember that it is okay to say no, don't trust takers, and give yourself a chance to view the outcomes of your giving for extra motivation.
4. Giving is contagious - in a society where giving is the norm, where it is shared through identity and signaling, we can have prosperity.

🗒️Relate

⛓ Life lessons, action items

🔍Critique

✅ by following this method, what will happen? It's nice to read a book that presents "givers" not only as good people but also as those who are most likely to success, and I agree with the saying that in the end reputation is something important, and that it is gained by connecting and helping others in a caring way.

❌ the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong... The simplification of "givers, takers, and matchers" falls short near the end, because most things that make's givers not successful is because they don't have qualities easily found in takers, although the author tries to say that its not the same thing.

🧱 Implementations and limitations of it are... This book ignores the cultural differences between workplaces, countries and organizations. It might be that there are places where they value givers differently, or things that you "have to do" to get ahead that otherwise you won't be able to advance professionally. Although I believe that most of the guidelines of this book are true anyway, this does have to be taken into account.

🗨️Review

💭 my opinions on the book, the writers style... Aside the specific agree/disagree points, I think this is a good book. It's important to have such a book that talks about a healthier work environment and culture, where people help and promote each other instead of a "dog eats dog" world. I think this is another book within a movement of changing the work culture, purpose and management styles in the 21th century, and detaching from the "corporate slave" or "capitalistic entrepreneur" that we have known for the last decades. The last chapter that's about actions that can be done to promote giving in the organization or private life was too short and could be extended by shortening other chapters. What keeps it from becoming a 5 star is that it could have been shorter, and that his theory is a bit stretched and simplified in order to make the book more appealing, even if it is based on truth.

🖼️Outline

📒 Notes

Good Returns The Dangers and Rewards of Giving More Than You Get

In businesses, relationships and all other human interactions, that are givers, takers, and matchers. The first take more value from others than the give, the second are the reverse, and the last return depending on the character of the interlocker. In each different type of interaction we can act differently - a giver in our relationship, but a taker in our workplace, but most people have a dominant type. Givers, apparently are at the top and the bottom of the most successful people.

Givers get more in the long run, they understand that life can be made up of win win situations. it takes time to develop trust, Cooperation and mutual growth. Today in our rapidly connected world, its easier for givers to build those connections, and thus succeed faster.

Good Returns The Dangers and Rewards of Giving More Than You Get

• According to conventional wisdom, highly successful people have three things in common: motivation, ability, and opportunity. If we want to succeed, we need a combination of hard work, talent, and luck. The story of Danny Shader and David Hornik highlights a fourth ingredient, one that’s critical but often neglected: success depends heavily on how we approach our interactions with other people.
• givers and takers differ in their attitudes and actions toward other people. If you’re a taker, you help others strategically, when the benefits to you outweigh the personal costs. If you’re a giver, you might use a different cost-benefit analysis: you help whenever the benefits to others exceed the personal costs.
• most people act like givers in close relationships
• The worst performers and the best performers are givers; takers and matchers are more likely to land in the middle.
• Givers succeed in a way that creates a ripple effect, enhancing the success of people around them.
• most of life isn’t zero-sum, and on balance, people who choose giving as their primary reciprocity style end up reaping rewards.
• It takes time for givers to build goodwill and trust, but eventually, they establish reputations and relationships that enhance their success.
• As we organize more people into teams, givers have more opportunities to demonstrate their value, Whereas takers sometimes win in independent roles where performance is only about individual results, givers thrive in interdependent roles where collaboration matters.
• “I’m not looking for quid pro quo; I’m looking to make a difference and have an impact, and I focus on the people who can benefit from my help the most.”

The Peacock and the Panda How Givers, Takers, and Matchers Build Networks

Networks are one of the main ways to get new skills, to get help and to grow in new areas. Takers usually exploit networks for their own personal gains. A way to identify takers:

1. Talk with the people closest to them, preferably those who are beneath them hierarchically.
2. Check their public behavior, for example do they use "I" a lot, focused on their ego and image, etc...

Giving makes our network grow because we are willing to give to those that we don't necessarily expect to give back in return. The result is not only that the network is bigger, but also more efficient because its precisely those Weak Ties that help us the most in the long run by giving us access to new kinds of information and skills as opposed to our closest environment are most likely exposed to the same opportunities we are exposed to.

Giving is contagious. When we help others without expecting return, we encourage others to do the same, and increase the circulation of help in our network.

The Peacock and the Panda How Givers, Takers, and Matchers Build Networks

• networks come with three major advantages: private information, diverse skills, and power. By developing a strong network, people can gain invaluable access to knowledge, expertise, and influence.
• “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” Takers may rise by kissing up, but they often fall by kicking down.
• We can’t pursue the benefits of networks; the benefits ensue from investments in meaningful activities and relationships.”
• two different ways to recognize takers. First, when we have access to reputational information, we can see how people have treated others in their networks. Second, when we have a chance to observe the actions and imprints of takers, we can look for signs of lekking.
• If you insist on a quid pro quo every time you help others, you will have a much narrower network.”
• Strong ties provide bonds, but weak ties serve as bridges: they provide more efficient access to new information. Our strong ties tend to travel in the same social circles and know about the same opportunities as we do. Weak ties are more likely to open up access to a different network, facilitating the discovery of original leads.
• Just as matchers will sacrifice their own interests to punish takers who act selfishly toward others, they’ll go out of their way to reward givers who act generously toward others.
• When we need new information, we may run out of weak ties quickly, but we have a large pool of dormant ties that prove to be helpful. And the older we get, the more dormant ties we have, and the more valuable they become.
• “You should be willing to do something that will take you five minutes or less for anybody.”
• giving can be contagious
• When people walk into a new situation, they look to others for clues about appropriate behavior. When giving starts to occur, it becomes the norm, and people carry it forward in interactions with other people.
• “I’ll sum up the key to success in one word: generosity,”

The Ripple Effect Collaboration and the Dynamics of Giving and Taking Credit

The strength of a team comes not from the genius of a single member, rather from the level of their cooperation. They realize that Dependency is a strength, not a weakness. They create a feeling of Psychological safety because they are authentic in their desire to help the common cause.

Givers don't take the credit for themselves, but rather give credit to others Ego. We are inclined to think that we do more than others simply because we are more aware of our own actions than others. When givers are in a team, they are more free to do bold actions, because the team knows they do it for the right reasons, for the benefit of all, and not personal gain.

The Ripple Effect Collaboration and the Dynamics of Giving and Taking Credit

• Givers reject the notion that interdependence is weak. Givers are more likely to see interdependence as a source of strength, a way to harness the skills of multiple people for a greater good.
• Expedition behavior involves putting the group’s goals and mission first, and showing the same amount of concern for others as you do for yourself.
• code of honor as “(1) Show up. (2) Work hard. (3) Be kind. (4) Take the high road.”
• when takers presented suggestions for improvement, colleagues were skeptical of their intentions, writing them off as self-serving. But when ideas that might be threatening were proposed by givers, their colleagues listened and rewarded them for speaking up, knowing they were motivated by a genuine desire to contribute.
• This responsibility bias is a major source of failed collaborations. Professional relationships disintegrate when entrepreneurs, inventors, investors, and executives feel that their partners are not giving them the credit they deserve, or doing their fair share.
• The key to balancing our responsibility judgments is to focus our attention on what others have contributed. All you need to do is make a list of what your partner contributes before you estimate your own contribution.
• successful givers shift their frames of reference to the recipient’s perspective.

Finding the Diamond in the Rough The Fact and Fiction of Recognizing Potential

Givers create good teams because they help others fulfil their potential, and promote information exchange, cooperation and trust. Givers are not necessarily geniuses, but they are "geniuses makers", they create the environment necessary for a genius to truly shine. developing capabilities They are a Multiplier to the team's success. Their team is more capable in the long run because believing in them and dedicating attention to their development is a Self fulfilling prophecy. People First

How do givers create better teams:

1. They give more emphasis on grit and motivation rather than natural talent Growth Mindset
2. They are less likely to fall for Sunk Cost, since they care about the success of the team and the mission, and not their personal ego. They will be more open to admit their mistakes and to stop something that isn't working. Failure
3. They are more open to criticism, and work to improve themselves and the team Feedback

Finding the Diamond in the Rough The Fact and Fiction of Recognizing Potential

• Teachers’ beliefs created self-fulfilling prophecies. When teachers believed their students were bloomers, they set high expectations for their success. As a result, the teachers engaged in more supportive behaviors that boosted the students’ confidence and enhanced their learning and development.
• Since matchers tend to play it safe, they often wait to offer support until they’ve seen evidence of promise. Consequently, they miss out on opportunities to develop people who don’t show a spark of talent or high potential at first.
• motivation is the reason that people develop talent in the first place.
• In roles as leaders and mentors, givers resist the temptation to search for talent first. By recognizing that anyone can be a bloomer, givers focus their attention on motivation.
• grit is a major factor that predicts how close they get to achieving their potential. This is why givers focus on gritty people: it’s where givers have the greatest return on their investment, the most meaningful and lasting impact.
• people actually make more accurate and creative decisions when they’re choosing on behalf of others than themselves. When people make decisions in a self-focused state, they’re more likely to be biased by ego threat and often agonize over trying to find a choice that’s ideal in all possible dimensions.
• givers are willing to work harder and longer than takers and matchers.
• Whereas takers often strive to be the smartest people in the room, givers are more receptive to expertise from others, even if it challenges their own beliefs.

The Power of Powerless Communication How to Be Modest and Influence People

Givers create better human connection because they show that they are honest and come with good intentions.

As long as it is not relevant to what defines you as an expert, be honest and admit your flows Accusation audit, it will help to create the connection. Vulnerability.

Givers tend to ask more questions, which shows the partner that they are interested in what they have to say. They also get a chance to learn more about the other side. Active Listening Givers tend to use a more soft way of talking, so the other side doesn't feel that they are being forced to accept an opinion, rather they can also express and decide for themselves. Givers tend to ask for help and Advice, which makes the partner to adapt their point of view.

The Power of Powerless Communication How to Be Modest and Influence People

• Because they value the perspectives and interests of others, givers are more inclined toward asking questions than offering answers, talking tentatively than boldly, admitting their weaknesses than displaying their strengths, and seeking advice than imposing their views on others.
• Takers tend to worry that revealing weaknesses will compromise their dominance and authority. Givers are much more comfortable expressing vulnerability: they’re interested in helping others, not gaining power over them, so they’re not afraid of exposing chinks in their armor. By making themselves vulnerable, givers can actually build prestige.
• Expressing vulnerability in ways that are unrelated to competence may build prestige, but it’s only a starting point for givers to exercise influence. To effectively influence people, we need to convert the respect that we earn into a reason for our audiences to change their attitudes and behaviors.
• Asking questions is a form of powerless communication that givers adopt naturally. Questions work especially well when the audience is already skeptical of your influence, such as when you lack credibility or status, or when you’re in a highly competitive negotiation situation.
• Takers tend to use powerful speech: they’re assertive and direct. Givers tend to use more powerless speech, talking with tentative markers
• advice seeking is a surprisingly effective strategy for exercising influence when we lack authority
• the second benefit of advice seeking: encouraging others to take our perspectives.
• When we give our time, energy, knowledge, or resources to help others, we strive to maintain a belief that they’re worthy and deserving of our help. Seeking advice is a subtle way to invite someone to make a commitment to us.

The Art of Motivation Maintenance Why Some Givers Burn Out but Others Are On Fire

1. Givers fail when they forget their personal interest. We all have a combination between our own interest and caring for others.

the difference between a sacrificer and a giver: Sacrifiers will probably experience Burnout and low success. the difference between a matcher and a giver: matchers expect to receive each time he helps someone, while givers don't expect to receive something back, they just control how much and when to give.

2. Givers fail when they feel forced to give everything, all the time The key to being a good giver is to not give too much, that you are no longer able to provide for yourself Self-compassion.

Being a giver out of choice, and not of coercion will give us a renewed sense of satisfaction and enjoyment Agency. 3. Giver tend to lose motivation when they don't see the results of their actions. 4. Givers fail when they trust takers Giver tend to trust too much, they help takers who take advantage of them. Smart givers should know who to help, and to filter the requests. Note that looks can be deceiving, Some givers don't seem nice at all, and takers can pretend. We need to treat others with a tit-for-tat, to be optimistic but to stop if you're being taken advantage. Game Theory

5. Givers fail when they accept unconditionally other's demands.

They don't want to hurt their status as givers, or they feel bad about going against the norm and ask for what they deserve, so they tend to diminish themselves and their our needs to be ignored. We should treat those cases as if we are representing somebody else's needs, which we wouldn't want to hurt. For example salary negotiations are important not because you're greedy, but rather because you want to provide to your family. Negotiation is an act of connection You should look for the win-win cases and not as a zero-sum. but taking others into account they can find creative solutions that takers wouldn't have found.

The Art of Motivation Maintenance Why Some Givers Burn Out but Others Are On Fire

• The successful givers weren’t just more other-oriented than their peers; they were also more self-interested. Successful givers, it turns out, are just as ambitious as takers and matchers.
• Being otherish means being willing to give more than you receive, but still keeping your own interests in sight, using them as a guide for choosing when, where, how, and to whom you give. Being otherish is very different from matching. Matchers expect something back from each person they help. Otherish givers help with no strings attached; they’re just careful not to overextend themselves along the way.
• takers tend to care most about benefiting personally from their jobs, givers care deeply about doing jobs that benefit other people.
• a remarkable principle of giver burnout: it has less to do with the amount of giving and more with the amount of feedback about the impact of that giving.
• Givers don’t burn out when they devote too much time and energy to giving. They burn out when they’re working with people in need but are unable to help effectively.
• people who maintained equilibrium between benefiting themselves and others even achieved significant increases in happiness and life satisfaction
• selfless givers are more inclined to sprinkle their giving throughout their days, helping whenever people need them. This can become highly distracting and exhausting, robbing selfless givers of the attention and energy necessary to complete their own work.
• This is the 100-hour rule of volunteering. It appears to be the range where giving is maximally energizing and minimally draining.
• Selfless givers are determined to be in the helper role, so they’re reluctant to burden or inconvenience others.
• Otherish givers build up a support network that they can access for help when they need it. This, along with chunking giving so that it’s energizing, is what makes otherish givers less vulnerable to burnout than selfless givers.
• givers accrue an advantage in controlling their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Over time, giving may build willpower
• The more one gives, the better one feels; and the better one feels about it, the easier it becomes to give.”
• through giving, they build up reserves of happiness and meaning that takers and matchers are less able to access. Selfless givers use up these reserves, exhausting themselves and often dropping to the bottom of the success ladder. By giving in ways that are energizing rather than exhausting, otherish givers are more likely to rise to the top.
• because concern for their own interests sustains their energy, otherish givers actually give more than selfless givers.

Chump Change Overcoming the Doormat Effect

• Trust is one reason that givers are so susceptible to the doormat effect: they tend to see the best in everyone, so they operate on the mistaken assumption that everyone is trustworthy.
• Givers are more attentive to others’ behaviors and more attuned to their thoughts and feelings, which makes it possible to pick up more clues—such as describing successes with first-person singular pronouns, like I and me instead of us and we. Givers also gain a sincerity screening advantage from habitually trusting others, which creates opportunities to see the wide range of behaviors of which other people are capable.
• Whereas selfless givers make the mistake of trusting others all the time, otherish givers start out with trust as the default assumption, but they’re willing to adjust their reciprocity styles in exchanges with someone who appears to be a taker by action or reputation.
• one of the main reasons that women tend to negotiate less assertively than men is that they worry about violating social expectations that they’ll be warm and kind.
• If they push too hard, they’ll feel like takers, rather than givers. But when givers are advocating for someone else, pushing is closely aligned with their values of protecting and promoting the interests of others: givers can chalk it up to caring.
• By looking for opportunities to benefit others and themselves, otherish givers are able to think in more complex ways and identify win-win solutions that both takers and selfless givers miss.
• successful givers start from the default of trusting others’ intentions, they’re also careful to scan their environments to screen for potential takers, always ready to shift from feeling a taker’s emotions to analyzing a taker’s thoughts, and flex from giving unconditionally to a more measured approach of generous tit for tat. And when they feel inclined to back down, successful givers are prepared to draw reserves of assertiveness from their commitments to the people who matter to them.

The Scrooge Shift Why a Soccer Team, a Fingerprint, and a Name Can Tilt Us in the Other Direction

A sense of community increases our desire to help and give our community members, especially when we acknowledge all the benefits we get from being a member of that community. us vs them. The stronger the shared identity with others, the more we want to help. The feeling of shared identity is actually stronger in smaller groups, because it combines the sense of Belonging with the sense of being unique. When you create a community where giving is the norm, it creates a behavioral change in the members. Givers will reveal themselves since currently they tend to hide in communities where taking is the norm. Having more givers "out in the open" will encourage others to do the same Role Models. Signaling

The Scrooge Shift Why a Soccer Team, a Fingerprint, and a Name Can Tilt Us in the Other Direction

• Takers and matchers may be most likely to give when they feel they can advance others’ interests and their own at the same time.
• When people share an identity with another person, giving to that person takes on an otherish quality. If we help people who belong to our group, we’re also helping ourselves, as we’re making the group better off.
• we look for ways to fit in and stand out. A popular way to achieve optimal distinctiveness is to join a unique group. Being part of a group with shared interests, identities, goals, values, skills, characteristics, or experiences gives us a sense of connection and belonging. At the same time, being part of a group that is clearly distinct from other groups gives us a sense of uniqueness.
• people only identify with a generalized giving group after they receive enough benefits to feel like the group is helping them.
• when we try to predict others’ reactions, we focus on the costs of saying yes, overlooking the costs of saying no. It’s uncomfortable, guilt-provoking, and embarrassing to turn down a small request for help.
• When people assume that others aren’t givers, they act and speak in ways that discourage others from giving, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• By making contributions visible, the Reciprocity Ring sets up an opportunity for people of any reciprocity style to be otherish: they can do good and look good at the same time.
• To turn takers into givers, it’s often necessary to convince them to start giving. Over time, if the conditions are right, they’ll come to see themselves as givers.