What if real change isn’t about improving who you are, but becoming someone new entirely?
We often try to change habits or traits, only to feel stuck, like something deeper is holding us back. Could that something be our identity? And if so, what happens when we try to change it? This post explores why lasting personal growth requires more than surface tweaks, and what it really takes to transform.
Introduction
Chances are, there are aspects of yourself that you wish to change. Even if we love ourselves (as we should), we often desire to be a bit better - more loving, outgoing, productive, less lazy, or less prone to Distractions. We all have something we'd like to improve, yet we often doubt whether real change is possible.
How can we truly become someone different from who we are? When we attempt to change, it sometimes feels like there's a force holding us back, an anchor that keeps us in place. Perhaps this anchor is our "true identity," making any meaningful change seem like a distant dream. We may believe that while small changes are possible, the significant ones are out of reach. But is this really true?
We often imagine change as a simple matter of swapping out traits, habits, or thoughts, as if we were replacing components on a list. However, this is more like playing a game of Jenga - remove or change too much, and the whole structure risks collapsing.
This collapse is the harsh reality of change: it’s not easy, but it is a fundamental part of the process. Changing something significant about ourselves inevitably involves altering our identity. Once we accept that meaningful change requires us to adopt a new identity, we must also come to terms with letting go of the old one.
In essence, we can change, but in doing so, we transform who we are. It's almost like saying the same person doesn’t change; rather, they are replaced by a slightly different version of themselves. Over time, these small shifts accumulate, resulting in a drastically different personality. This may sound extreme, but think about how different you were as a child. How much of who you are today can be traced back to who you were then? Some core tendencies might remain, perhaps a similar sense of humor, but your thoughts, values, and preferences have likely evolved dramatically. While you share the same body (more or less), you are hardly the same person anymore, and that's a good thing.
The Potential for Radical Transformation
We need to reconcile two seemingly conflicting truths about our identity. On one hand, we feel a strong sense of continuity in "who we are." As we grow older, certain core aspects like being an introvert, our political ideologies, or our automatic reactions to specific triggers seem fixed and unchanging. However, scientific evidence increasingly shows that change is indeed possible. Perhaps more surprisingly, our actions shape our identity as much as our identity shapes our actions.
Who we are and what we do are deeply interconnected, influencing each other in a continuous feedback loop.
This process is known as Habituation, driven by our brain's preference for energy efficiency. Our brains work to simplify decision-making by turning complex, mentally taxing choices into automatic habits. This self-reinforcing loop causes us to repeat certain behaviors without conscious thought. For example, brushing your teeth in the morning, checking your phone multiple times a day, or craving popcorn at the movies are all habits formed through repetition. While this tendency can be limiting, it is also liberating. Whatever change you seek to make may be challenging initially, but it will become easier as new habits form.
If you start eating healthier, over time, you'll find yourself craving salads as you once craved junk food. Acting kindly towards others makes us more compassionate, and practicing gratitude makes us more optimistic. Aristotle’s assertion that by practicing virtue we become virtuous has finally been validated after 2,000 years. Change is a matter of building momentum; it’s difficult to start, but once it gets rolling, it becomes unstoppable. Just like pushing a boulder over a hill, the initial push requires the most effort.
By adulthood, we're no longer "tabula rasa," or blank slates, easily shaped and influenced. We accumulate habits, both good and bad, which become deeply ingrained. Because these habits are easy to perform, replacing them becomes a real challenge. This is why changing ingrained habits is like developing muscles, it requires a strong, decisive effort.
You can't "gently" abandon old habits; it takes a firm commitment to break away from them. If you have even a little willpower, now is the time to use it.
That said, change isn't about relying on willpower alone. Since habits form from repeated decisions, the key is to create an Environment where the "old you" finds it hard to thrive, and the "new you" finds it easier to emerge. For example, if you want to eat healthier, remove unhealthy snacks from your house and stock up on nutritious options. Smart change is not about facing temptation but about eliminating it. If your phone distracts you, "dumb" it down; if you lack empathy, challenge yourself to say three kind things to someone each day.
It will be painful and difficult at first, but the essential takeaway is that change is possible. Studies show that people aged 20 to 80 reported significant personal change over the past decade but anticipated little change in the next. We mistakenly believe our current selves are our final versions, but nothing could be further from the truth. New experiences lead to new habits, which in turn lead to new identities.
With each action we take, we move closer to our ideal selves. Who we are now is just a starting point, and who we wish to become is the goal. Our focus should be on charting the path from here to there, deciding what’s worth keeping and, more importantly, what’s worth discarding, and doing so with all the courage and resilience we have.
You can drastically change who you are because you already have. You are not the same person you were at 5, 10, or 15 years old, so why should now be any different?
Challenges of Transformation
How do we know if a change is truly beneficial? How can we be sure our desire to change comes from a genuine aspiration to improve rather than from a misguided direction? And if change is so valuable and positive, why is it often so difficult? Perhaps our natural resistance to change is not a flaw, but a feature.
No matter your perspective on change, it is undoubtedly intimidating, especially when we recognize how drastic and even disruptive it can be. Changing our identity is like moving a plant to a new climate; if we don't make the process gentle, the plant might not survive.
At first glance, it may seem contradictory to discuss change as both drastic and gentle. The distinction lies in the difference between form vs essence. The method of change, the form, must be decisive and powerful enough to uproot old habits and replace them with new ones. Trying to gently transition while still holding onto the past will likely fail, much like keeping temptations readily available in a rehab clinic.
To make change stick, we must show determination, resilience, and unwavering connection to our motivation, acting as if any other life is neither possible nor desirable.
However, the essence of change, what we aim to become, should be a manageable shift from who we are now. Radical transformations, like going from a couch potato to a gym enthusiast overnight, or from a quiet introvert to a social butterfly, are unrealistic. Too much change at once can overwhelm us, leading to a backlash against the idea of change altogether. Humans can only handle so much transformation at a time; pushing beyond that limit risks triggering resistance, pain, or fear that can halt progress. The key is to recognize a continuity between who we are now and who we wish to become. The future version of ourselves must feel familiar enough that we don’t feel like we are losing our identity entirely.
When the change is too drastic, uncertainty grows exponentially, and this threatens us at our core. Uncertainty about who we will become, whether we will still enjoy the same things, or what our lives will look like generates existential fear, similar to the fear of death, because it feels like the end of our current identity. We experience this dread during pivotal moments in life, such as finishing school, getting married, or becoming parents.
By focusing on small, manageable changes, we can reduce this fear. We allow a connection to form between who we are now and who we want to be. It becomes, "I'm still me, but a little healthier," or "still me, but a bit more outgoing." This approach maintains continuity between our different selves, like a council of evolving identities.
The magic happens when we realize how a series of small, manageable steps can lead to significant transformations over time.
Embracing the Process of Self-Transformation
In the TV show Fullmetal Alchemist, magicians can create extraordinary things, such as turning water into wine, using three fundamental principles:
- The ability to destroy, tearing apart what they touch.
- The ability to reconstruct, using available resources to create something new.
- The energy and extra materials needed to fuel the conversion.
Every meaningful change follows these three steps. First, we need the power to deconstruct. This means clearing space for who we want to become by breaking down habits and mindsets that hold us back. Next, we must have the ability to reconstruct. It’s not enough to simply eliminate the old; we need to fill that newly created space with something new and better. Without this, we risk falling back into old patterns or being overwhelmed by a sense of emptiness. Finally, we need the energy to fuel this transformation—the willpower and desire to stop the cycle of current behaviors and bring forth a new identity.
This process of transformation is not a one-time act; it’s a lifelong journey. As long as we are alive, we have the potential to perform incredible feats of personal growth. By embracing this cycle of creative destruction and reconstruction, we open ourselves to becoming so much more. No change or identity is beyond our reach, as long as we understand that it requires time, effort, and vision. Our identity is not a fixed point but a dot on a spectrum of possibilities—each version of ourselves slightly different from the last, yet all connected by a shared vision and history.
Conclusion: The Journey of Radical Change
Change is often seen as something beyond our control, whether dictated by fate, biology, or the environment. While these forces may shape us, they don't have to hold us back. The reach of our potential is often limited only by the strength of our will. Many of us worry more about these perceived boundaries than we do about actually challenging them. If we commit to change with time, effort, and focus, we can dramatically transform ourselves, enriching our identity with growth and depth. Change is a journey—are you ready to take the first step?
The boundaries of our personal development are shaped by the limits of our will, mind, and body. Interestingly, the more we understand these limits, the more we can push them. As we embark on this journey of growth, every step we take—especially when guided by thoughtful planning and deep reflection—helps us redefine who we are, what we value, and what our purpose is. This continuous self-discovery leads us deeper into understanding and expanding our potential.
Change is the only constant in life. Our experiences and circumstances constantly evolve, challenging our identity and pushing us to adapt. Resisting this natural flow can lead to feelings of stress, frustration, and even victimhood. Conversely, accepting that change is inevitable allows us to flow with it, not against it. embracing this truth is not only more realistic but also more liberating. It enables us to grow into a more resilient and adaptable version of ourselves.
The first step toward meaningful change is acknowledging that change is not only possible but unavoidable. Instead of ignoring, resisting, or fearing change, we should focus on asking ourselves how we can grow for the better. What actions can we take today to move closer to the person we want to become? By embracing this mindset, we realize that our limits are farther away than we once believed. Circumstances do not dictate destiny, and while change is hard, it is never impossible. By adopting a "yes and" attitude, we can better navigate the flow of life and actively choose the direction we want to follow.
When we view change as a choice rather than a mere occurrence, it becomes a profound exercise of our freedom. This freedom is not only about deciding what to do but also about choosing who we want to be. Although challenging, this journey is one of the most empowering, authentic, and liberating paths we can take.
So, what journey are you planning to embark on? What changes have always been on your bucket list but felt out of reach? What steps will you take today and tomorrow? Let these questions inspire you to take action and embrace the possibility of transformation.
## Further Reading
master of change (book) How to change (book) Switch (book)